Day 113

Day 113: Real Time
Day 9: 21 Day Complaint Free Journey


“Listening is a magnetic and strange thing, a creative force. The friends who listen to us are the ones we move toward. When we are listened to, it creates us, makes us unfold and expand.” Unknown


When I train young children to mediate conflicts among their peers, we spend several sessions learning how to listen. What, you say? We need training in listening?

Yes, I’m afraid so. Many times we mimic listening in order to be socially acceptable, but all we’re really doing is waiting for the other person to STOP TALKING so we can talk. Admit it….it’s true.

Being heard is something we all yearn for. The knowledge that we are understood and accepted anyway is a powerful thing, isn’t it?

We need to listen to each other with our eyes, not merely our ears, with our hearts and not just our minds. The next time you are engaged in a conversation, look into the person’s eyes and be totally present for them. That might be all they need from you.

Maybe we’ll find less to criticize, too.

Day 9.

Day 112

Day 112: Real Time
Day 8: 21 Day Complaint Free Journey


I didn’t make it to the beach by dawn, which was my plan (and you know what they say about plans), but it was still early. Off I went, camera in hand, to get some photos to add to my collection.

Florida isn’t known for big surf, so those who enjoy that sort of thing have to take advantage whenever they can. These are the folks who venture out into the ocean when hurricanes brush by, duck diving into sheer walls of water to ride monsters back into shore. (My daughter is one of them.) A storm called Earl had passed near us early in the week, so they were hoping that he was still strong enough on the backside to offer more fun. It didn’t look like fun to me, but neither does “muddin’” and lots of people love that, too.

A number of years ago I drove the Pacific Coast Highway from Oakland to San Diego to attend a business meeting. The trip was magnificent. The Atlantic along Florida where I grew up is a meek cousin to the rawness of the California coastline, the ocean untamed with its rocky beaches and pounding surf. As I drove, it was necessary to keep an eye on my rear view mirror to make sure I wasn’t holding up traffic. After all, not everyone was from Florida, ogling the scenery. And it was when I looked behind me that I saw some of the most breathtaking sights.

I found myself pulling off the road to turn around and travel back the way I had just come….so I could see things from that perspective. Even though I had seen what I was seeing again, I hadn’t seen it quite that way at all.

Like so much in life that we complain about, wouldn’t you say? When someone really irritates me and I’m about to complain about them, I remember that trip. What is life looking like from this person’s shoes? I may never know, because very often we never share our personal horror with each other. Only the small frustrations, the things that we can gripe and grouse about with no real disclosure.

I nearly missed the meeting in San Diego.

Day 8.

Day 111

Day 111: Real Time
Day 7: 21 Day Complaint Free Journey


I love football. There is something primal about its simplicity, a mirror of how life works if we take the time to look past the cheerleaders with their silly pom poms.

Knock me down? I’ll just jump back up and get ready for the next disaster. I might have to sit out a play or two, but don’t count me out of the game. I have too much at stake to be defeated.

And when it all comes together, that pass sailing toward the end zone in a perfect arc, or the running back churning through a solid wall of muscle, feet tearing up the turf, it’s a beautiful thing.

It takes effort, sheer guts, and the absolute will to succeed.

Just like life.

Fall and football….life is good.

Day 7, the beginning of my second week in my quest to make it to 21 consecutive days without complaining.

Day 110

Day 110: Real Time
Day 6: 21 Day Complaint Free Journey


As daylight tiptoed in this morning, I sat and thought about the progression of my journey so far. In his book, “A Complaint Free World,” Will Bowen frames it in terms of 4 stages:

• Unconscious incompetence
• Conscious incompetence
• Conscious competence
• Unconscious competence

He describes each stage and gives anecdotes from his own journey as well as stories from others who have made (or attempted!) their 21 days to living a complaint free life. In other words, they have finally become unconsciously competent.

But my mind isn’t that orderly. And I’m a bit afraid to walk around unconscious on purpose.

I do know that when I started my FIRST Day 1, which was a long 110 days ago, my thinking was chaotic, undisciplined, frightened even, as I considered my goal. That lasted for several weeks, and during that time I found myself avoiding unnecessary communication with other people. If I don’t talk to them, I’m not complaining, am I? (Ah, but I could complain ABOUT them later!) Chaos.

Then I managed to stop complaining ABOUT them, but I still wasn’t back to more normal interaction. Several readers have mentioned this to me in emails about their own paths to becoming complaint free. And avoidance continued to work for me, too, even if it was short term.

Now I have reached a calmer, more interactive stage. I feel more confident in talking to people without complaining AND without complaining about them once I’m out of sight….and they are out of hearing distance from me. So, I guess you can say I’m more secure in not only my progress, but also in myself.

“A person who is insecure, who doubts their value and questions their importance, will brag and complain. They will tell of their accomplishments, hoping to see approval reflecting back to them……They will also complain about their challenges to get sympathy and as a way of excusing their not accomplishing something they desire.” Will Bowen, “A Complaint Free World,” p. 77.

People who make excuses about not having the life they want, blaming everyone else for their lot in life, from their birth order to their weight to how their parents raised them….now THAT’S a topic for another day!


College football starts today! A wonderful Day 6 ahead…..

Day 109

Day 109: Real Time
Day 5: 21 Day Complaint Free Journey


Yesterday started for me before it had any right to be moving around. In fact, I was the only one moving at all. My back yard crew of birds and squirrels wasn’t up yet, and the sun still hadn’t begun to even think about peeking over my fence.

Sometime during the night I woke up and realized I didn’t know where my flash drive was. (Of course, we needn’t talk about why I was thinking about that in the middle of the night. If you’re over 50, I don’t need to say any more, do I? If you’re not, someday you’ll remember I said this.) The drive had my presentation on it for the teachers I was working with, and suddenly it was gone. In the middle of the night. When I should have been resting to prepare for a four hour session that I was doing…. alone.

But, there it was. The worry about an errant piece of equipment. Needless to say, I was up and out of my house while the birds were still snuggled up together in their nests dreaming of the yummy nut and raisin seed I buy them and the squirrels were dreaming important rodent dreams.

And I never did find that flash drive. Which meant I had to download the presentation onto another drive I keep in my desk drawer, the precious one that has family pictures on it. Then get my coffee (priorities, priorities) and off I went, still driving in the morning darkness to arrive in time to be set up and ready for the teachers at 8 AM.

Did you guess yet? We learned and laughed together, as anyone in education has to do in order to stay sane, and made lots of new friends to call on when we’re dejected and worn out. It was a great day.

And they loved the pictures!

Day 5

Day 108

Day 108: Real Time
Day 4: 21 Day Complaint Free Journey

Perspective. Context.

As in, “putting it in……” The context of our complaining is a fascinating study, once we start thinking about it.

Many of my friends have mentioned that they don’t think I’m a very negative, complaining person at all. So, why am I navigating this difficult 21-day complaint free journey, they ask?

Each of those people only experiences a small part of me. I am with me all the time; therefore, my perspective that I spend too much time complaining is the only accurate view.

Imagine if we kept that in mind about all our relationships. Do we ever know what we think we know…..completely?

“The moment one gives close attention to any thing, even a blade of grass it becomes a mysterious, awesome, indescribably magnificent world in itself.” Henry Miller

Visions and cars with a Z.....

Day 107: Real Time
Day 3: 21 Day Complaint Free Journey


Will Bowen says in his book that we need to focus on our vision of the world rather than complain about what is happening around us at the moment.

Visions are great. Not the kind that appear at odd moments, seen only by you. Those are scary. But I find that if I envision something that I need to do, or something that I want, the acquisition of that dream falls into place rather quickly. I guess that’s why vision boards are so effective, a tool that is routinely touted by life coaches. Mine has James Brolin on it, but let’s move on quickly.

At this point in my life, my vision focuses on writing. I would like to write full time, while working at home with my two cats surrounding me. (And one of them literally rests his head on my hands as I type. He’s my muse.) My desk faces my back yard garden so I can watch the goings-on from my chair. There is a fountain right outside my window that refreshes a variety of wildlife…..as much wildlife as one would find in the midst of a huge urban area, but it amuses me just the same.

Vision wise, I would only leave this spot to eat, drink, and be merry. And being merry for me doesn’t involve much these days. Maybe buy jewelry and shoes once a week. No thoughts or worries about the price tags, a jaunt to the mall in the middle of the day (fewer young people with slouchy pants then) serving as my social interaction and supply chain for silver, gold, and comfy flats in all colors.

And I would get there in my Nissan Z car, whatever that model is called these days. I’ve been dreaming about that car for, literally, decades. I came THIS CLOSE to having one once, in the ‘80s, but life intervened. The kind that screams, WHY do you need such a vehicle when you want to go back to school?? (Now that I think about it, I did neither. There’s a lesson there somewhere, but I’ll think about that later.)

So, what is my convoluted point this morning, the one about my complaint-free journey? I can’t tell you about my day yesterday, because I would be complaining.

Not all of it. Some was OK, but we do tend to focus on the negative, don’t we, or we wouldn’t convene here. Will says to work toward our vision or we’ll get stuck in the muck of despair and blame, anything in order to explain why we don’t have what we want in life.

Maybe I’ll write that book outline I’ve been thinking about today.

And then visit a car dealership.

Day 3.