Day 121

Day 121: Real Time

Almost there....

Day 17: 21 Day Complaint Free Journey        


Day 17.  If my plan holds, I will reach Day 21 this Sunday, Sept. 19th. For those of you who may have just stumbled on this column by accident, welcome! And by way of explanation, I have been attempting, for the past 121 days, to utter no complaints for 21 consecutive days. With just that bit of information, you can tell that my journey has been difficult. As a motiviating tool, I recently set the date of Sept 30th to reach this milestone. It seems to have helped.

My experience is not unusual according to Will Bowen, the creator of the Complaint Free movement. Most people, he says, take between 4 and 6 months. So, we’ll see if I make it to my destination this weekend. Stay tuned….

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In his book, A Complaint Free World, Bowen says, “….you begin to be aware of everything you are saying….because you are very careful when you speak. You are now talking in more positive terms because you are beginning to catch the words before they come out of your mouth. Your purple bracelet has gone from being a tool for realizing when you complain to being a filter through which your words pass before you speak them.” (p.87)

I have found this to be true. I am much more thoughtful about my comments in nearly all circumstances. I also have to say that my friends, coworkers, and family help keep me on track, too. Many have stopped in mid-conversation and said, “You’re not about to complain, are you?” I have found this to be helpful rather than intrusive, as might be the case with other people. It’s a personal thing, I guess. I have appreciated the assistance!

Bowen goes on to say, “You can best get what you desire by expressing what you want rather than complaining about the way things are.” And that is what brought me to this journey to begin with. I had been stuck in the mire of complaining about how things around me were, and that could be a life sentence, couldn’t it?

This morning I read from Jon Kabat-Zinn’s book, Coming to Our Senses. It fit perfectly with where I am on this journey:

“This capacity for paying attention and for intelligent action can be cultivated, nurtured, and refined beyond our wildest dreams if we have the motivation to do so…It is in our very nature as a species to learn and grow and heal and move toward greater wisdom in our ways of seeing and in our actions, and toward greater compassion for ourselves and others.”

See you tomorrow as I prepare for Sunday!

Day 120

Day 120: Real Time
Day 16: 21 Day Complaint Free Journey


“Life intervenes,” I often say when trying to be encouraging to someone who is frustrated by life’s tendency to take its own path. We can be hard on ourselves, beating ourselves up when we become entangled in our lives, almost as if we should be perfect little widgets that operate without ever being oiled or rested.

Life intervened for me yesterday. My feet hit the floor before dawn, which in itself isn’t unusual, but I had to actually leave the house to be downtown, a 30 minute drive on a good traffic day, parked, and through a security check before 9 AM. My destination? The Youth Offender Diversion program here in our county where I was beginning a tour of duty as a volunteer mediator.

Without violating my strict code of ethics regarding confidentiality, I can say that my complaints begin a dramatic slide to the bottom of the scale of importance as I listen to these young people and their parents. I’m often griping about a flat tire or perceived slight while these children tell tales of drive-by shootings and abandonment. I am humbled in their presence, ashamed by my self-involvement and selfishness.

After my three hour session was over at noon, I was depleted, both mentally and physically. But, for the first time in a while, I felt that I had done some good for one or two young people. Maybe, just maybe, we had offered them a lifeline that would pull them back from the edge of losing themselves in a world that all too often must look very frightening and cold.

This blog didn’t get written yesterday. I returned home and dropped back into my regular schedule as much as possible, researching for an upcoming writing deadline and preparing for a meeting in my home later in the evening. I’m evolved enough now to face that empty slot on my list of entries as I document my complaint-free journey, shrug and say to myself, “Life intervened.”

Day16

(6 more days to go!)

Weathered but standing

                                                                          

Day 118

Day 118: Real Time


Day 14: 21 Day Complaint Free Journey


“The next time someone offers you an opinion, rather than judge or criticize it, see if you can find a grain of truth in what the person is saying.”

                                    Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff, Richard Carlson

My daughter surfed in a women’s surf contest yesterday. She’s been doing this since she was 12, paddling out among the dolphins, and yes, sometimes sharks. We may not see them, but we know they are there.

Kind of like the “grain of truth” Richard Carlson speaks of in the quote from his book, Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff. We become so defensive when someone challenges our beliefs, don’t we? I think it’s indicative of a narrowing of our tolerance levels in this country, tolerance for those differences that don’t mesh with our own beliefs.

Dangerous stuff. Much more dangerous than most of us realize. Our country was founded on this very principle and we’re eroding it, piece by piece, opinion by opinion. Our skins need to be a lot thicker and we need to at least listen to strange and varied belief systems.

Like the surfers accept the sharks.

Day 14.

Day 117

Can you see?

Day 117: Real Time

Day 13: 21 Day Complaint Free Journey                   




Friendship.


Relationships.


Time.


Growth.


Acknowledging the truth.


Turning away from immediate gratification.


Acceptance.


              No need to complain, defend, or explain.


Day 13

Day 116

The Path

Day 116: Real Time                                                             
Day 12: 21 Day Complaint Free Journey
        In other words: I have been attempting, for 116 days, to string together 21 consecutive “Complaint Free” days.


Yesterday began as a disjointed, discombobulated day for me. I had woken up at 1 AM, sleepily stumbled to the bathroom, had then fallen back into bed, ready to snooze until dawn. Well, that was the plan.

Sleep skittered away from me, though, my mind suddenly engaged in calisthenics, hopping from this thought to that worry to that mental “to do” list, back and forth. I tried to regain the velvety peace of rest, I really did.

“I’ll try to concentrate on my breathing. OK. One breath…..”

        “I can’t believe she said that to me today! What a crock…..”

“Wait! Back to the breath….one…two…..”

        “I have to remember to buy cat food tomorrow, it’s been two days that I’ve forgotten….”

“Stop! Go to the “floating in a pool” image...that usually works…..”

        “Remember that time I went to Daytona with [person X]! Wonder what happened to….”

“Darn….there I went again! OK. Picture the clouds, skittering through the blue sky, sun hot on my skin….Breathe, in, out, in……”

        “I really need to start submitting my work again, how can I expect to sell anything if….”

Well, you get the picture. I finally gave up around 4:30. My mind was working hard, so I got up and joined it at the computer, finishing an article ahead of deadline, my eyes gritty and sore from being open so long.

BUT…..I took a different road to the rest of the day than I usually do when I have one of these irritating nights of struggle.

I decided to act like it never happened. I dropped into my routine (although I did manage a nap in the middle of the day just because I could at that point, being self-employed is a wonderful thing), and did the best I could to regain my equilibrium rather than spin out of control and waste the rest of the day.

Restricting the complaints rather than spreading my angst to others. Choices. Progress.

Day 12.

Day 115

Day 115: Real Time

Whatever it takes.....

Day 11: 21 Day Complaint Free Journey                 


Remember my list from a month or so ago? It was the four topics that are certain to send me off the cliff, caustic complaints spewing as I tumble over the edge.

For those of you who have recently joined me on this journey and as a reminder to the rest of you, here is the list:


Our city government.

The educational system, both locally and nationally.

Incompetence in general.

Parents who don’t parent


I bring this up for a reason, as you’ve probably guessed by now. I visited the lair of #3 yesterday, and I must say, I did pretty well. I did some deep breathing as I parked my car, and then I sat and looked at clouds for a few minutes. That always helps me prepare to face the gnome who lives snarling and drooling in that particular dank cave.

While there, though, I ALMOST got snagged on the razor-sharp teeth of trying to explain that which cannot be explained with any sense or logic to someone who wouldn’t have heard it anyway. My mouth started to move, my hands began to flail around, and I started to speak. I’m sure I sounded like I was strangling. I managed, though, to gulp down those words, the ones that would have made not a whit of difference. The ones that would have put me back to Day 1 in a heartbeat.

I left as quickly as I could ride the elevator down and then practically ran to my car. That was close. The issue that took me there in the first place is still simmering and stewing, and may never be resolved. The fact that it involves my livelihood matters only to me. I learned a long time ago that no one is indispensible, and I also know that I am capable of doing whatever it takes to take care of things.

I avoided any discussion about that particular beast for the rest of the day. I stopped at my favorite deli and had breakfast, the smells of the bagels and other goodies enveloping me in warmth and their comforting carbs. Eating always helps. (Refer to earlier columns about my issues with food.)

During the afternoon, I took some steps to become free of the gnome in that building if it becomes necessary. Sometimes it pays off to live with labels like “Type A Personality” and that other female descriptor that cannot be printed here.

As I always taught my daughter: “Whatever it takes.” But, in any case, I can take it without complaining. I just proved it.

Day 11.

Day 114

Day 114: Real Time
Day 10: 21 Day Complaint Free Journey

As I sat in my morning sanctuary on Labor Day, the silence was huge. It had depth and was a palatable presence around me.

I’ve lived in my house for over 20 years. It sits at the southern end of this immense city, the one that often touts itself as the “largest” city in the US. (Depending on how many millions of trees you count, that might be true. But let’s not quibble.) It wasn’t until the nearby interstate grew a few more lanes in each direction a few years ago that I could hear the hollow sounds of traffic from my bedroom. All those tires whooshing by, the drivers of the cars oblivious to thousands of lives carrying on mere steps away from their rolled up windows.

So now, even on weekends, it is rare for the quiet to return. Maybe it has to do with wind patterns, too. I don’t know much about those things. But two days ago the silence was powerful, a fullness to it that could almost be touched. The cardinal’s single note call pierced the silence and then fell away, an aberration in the perfect stillness. How can the absence of sound be so vast?

Downsizing

Much like the mind. It has no structure that we can illustrate for a textbook about positive thinking, or any other kind of thinking for that matter. The falling away of the birdcalls in the perfect hush might be compared to the thoughts, including the criticisms, that appear in our minds.

If we allow it, they will fall away, too.

Day 10