Post-21 Days

It has been nearly a month since I reach my 21 complaint free days. My journey continues, and I know what you want to ask me. I can see you struggling with it.

And, yes. I have complained since we last visited. But do I feel that I have failed in some way because of my missteps? Emphatically, no. For every spoken gripe there have been five or six that I have swallowed. The balance has definitely tilted toward the positive rather than the negativity I had been mired in for so long when I started this trek.

So, what has caused me to complain? Nothing different than your own grumbling and griping. I traded my ten year old car for a newer model. A phone company insists on billing me for services never rendered. Enough said?

My phone rang the other day and guess who was on the other end. Will Bowen himself, congratulating me for achieving my 21 days. Nice man. We talked a bit about my idea to put these blogs into book form, and he encouraged me to do so.

Wildflowers

You just never know who is watching, do you?  I'll stay in touch. 

Day 125

Day 125: Real Time

A new day

Day 21: 21 Day Complaint Free Journey                   


Well, it’s been a ride, hasn’t it?

125 days ago, on May 17, I slid my bracelet on my wrist and accepted the challenge to go 21 consecutive days without complaining.

Today I reached DAY 21.

During the 125 days, my father died and I joined a faith community….both on the same day.

During the 125 days, I withstood threats to my livelihood by a huge bureaucracy that got entangled in their own paperwork and silliness, and I wasn’t paid for nearly 4 months.

During the 125 days, I went to work for another huge company (to try to make up for the situation mentioned above) and was reminded that appearances don't always tell the true story.

During the 125 days, I faced some of the most difficult days as a parent, and my child is 26 years old.

During the 125 days, I once made it all the way to Day 17 without complaining, a gripe slipped out, and I had to retreat to Day 1 again.

And again.

And again.

This journey has been one of the hardest I have ever taken, and I’ve taken some hard paths before, believe me. I’ve learned more about myself than I ever anticipated, and I know I am a better person for it. Will I never complain again? I’m better but I’m not stupid. Of course, I will. But it will be less than before, and that’s all I can ask of myself.

Many of you have encouraged me every step of this very difficult way, and I thank you for it from the bottom of my heart. You know who you are. I also had to step away from other people who were injecting only toxicity in my life, and I hate that I  had to let them go. But perhaps we're all better off for it. Friendships sometimes run their course and we must acknowledge and honor that, before all the memories are poisonous, too.

Thank you, too, to Will Bowen for writing the book that inspired me to be a better version of me. (I'm sure my friends and family thank you, too!)

I can see now that some people might face this challenge willingly, yet never make it. I wouldn’t be surprised, nor would I judge them. It is still worth it to try. Your life will never be the same.

If you don’t understand that, take the challenge yourself.

I’ll be your mentor.

Day 124

Day 124: Real Time

Day 20: 21 Day Complaint Free Journey

I’m almost there. One more day. This time, my confidence is complete, my goal within my fingertips on the other side of this very day.

I have much to think about today. This journey has been significant, life-altering, important in ways I never anticipated. And I’m sure I’m no different than others who have reached this milestone, too.

I still have much to learn about dealing with people, with life, without judging and whining. I view this journey as one that will continue beyond tomorrow’s milestone. After all, isn’t that what a milestone is? A marker. A place to assess where we are, how far we’ve come.

Until the next one shows up along our path. There is always another one.

" The challenge of a life’s time, to choose to cultivate these capacities for learning, growing, healing and transformation right in the midst of our moments, is also the adventure of a lifetime. It begins a journey toward realizing who we really are and living our lives as if they really mattered.” Jon Kabat-Zinn, Coming to Our Senses.



 Day 20. Have you sent the invitations to my congratulatory party yet?

The gate

Day 123

Day 123: Real Time

Strength

Day 19: 21 Day Complaint Free Journey                   

I didn’t realize what I had done until a few hours later. My new neighbor had flooring put in her house and wanted me to see it. (She had unexpectedly found a floor of brick underneath the carpeting when she moved in…can you imagine THAT nightmare?)

Anyway, we oohed and ahhed her beautiful new wood laminate for a few minutes, as good neighbors do when required. When we walked back outside, she mentioned that she had asked the elderly lady on the other side of the common area for a recommendation for a lawn mowing service.

Now, this elderly lady and I have had some issues over the years. That actually went through my mind at that moment, but I skipped over that mental image and never mentioned it to our new neighbor. And I had some stories I could have told, believe me.

In other words, I have reached the final stage of becoming complaint free: Unconscious competence. As I’ve said before, I’m generally not too fond of maneuvering through life in an “unconscious” mode (my experience to date being that bad things happen when I don’t know what I’m doing), but in this case….it’s a good thing! Without even making the decision to refrain from sharing those wonderful stories about the elderly neighbor, I automatically kept them to myself.

And didn’t even realize it until about two hours later.

Two more days. You can start planning the party for me now if you’d like!

Day 122

Day 122: Real Time
Day 18: 21 Day Complaint Free Journey                     


I was rejected again this week.

Before you laugh and point and say that I’ve just complained THREE DAYS before I reach my goal, let me explain.

I was 10 when my first piece of writing appeared in print, an article about the Blue Angels in the base military newspaper wherever my dad was stationed at the time. Although that article was not a creative piece of work, the process of etching words onto paper (even if I have made the switch to typing them onto a screen) has always satisfied me in the way that nothing else does. (Well, now that I’m older than 10, maybe one other thing, but I’ll write about that and send it elsewhere, away from prying little eyes, not all of which belong to children.)

I wasn’t raised in a family that encouraged the free expression of feelings. So I learned to let my emotions drip out onto the paper, word by word, hurt by hurt, my pen or pencil the magic wand that took me away and then brought me back when it was safe.

For reasons not important now, I did not pursue my passion for words when I journeyed off to college, instead earning a degree in education. My writing waned for decades, the sheer busyness of life chewing up time and spitting me out in the process, until three years ago when I stepped off the treadmill and said, “ENOUGH!” I mortgaged my home, even more than it was at the time, and retreated back to sanity, my peace of mind more valuable than….well, anything.

It was then that I began to write again. I self-published a book about single parenting, primarily because it was important that I saw my work in print. More importantly, I embraced my emotional life once more, dismantling the filter that I had erected so long ago, ever since I had put the pen down nearly 40 years ago. In order to pay the bills, I write curricula and other types of content that is more “wordsmithing” than creative, and I consult in areas that I mastered while a teacher. But, in the early dawn or dusk of a day, I also write in ways that are very satisfying to me, that I find are necessary for me to remain at peace and coherent within the context of my life. That type of writing has filled up dozens of notebooks and flash drives that, if nothing else, will be my legacy to my daughter.

I stopped submitting my work for about a year, the rejection grating on my spirit after a few years. (I’ve entered enough contests to finance a small yacht ; yes, those contests cost money to enter), and answered hundreds of calls for submissions. One piece was purchased by Teacher Magazine, but that's it. So, for the past year, I wrote but I didn’t share it with anyone.

And then, last week I sent in three pieces of work. And got an immediate rejection via email on one of those. I’m still waiting on the other two.

BUT I am again taking the risk of sharing my words, my heart with strangers. Because when you stop and think about it, don't writers write in order to be read?
And it feels good. No complaints here.

Three more days! Where are we going to celebrate?

Day 121

Day 121: Real Time

Almost there....

Day 17: 21 Day Complaint Free Journey        


Day 17.  If my plan holds, I will reach Day 21 this Sunday, Sept. 19th. For those of you who may have just stumbled on this column by accident, welcome! And by way of explanation, I have been attempting, for the past 121 days, to utter no complaints for 21 consecutive days. With just that bit of information, you can tell that my journey has been difficult. As a motiviating tool, I recently set the date of Sept 30th to reach this milestone. It seems to have helped.

My experience is not unusual according to Will Bowen, the creator of the Complaint Free movement. Most people, he says, take between 4 and 6 months. So, we’ll see if I make it to my destination this weekend. Stay tuned….

_________________________________________________________
In his book, A Complaint Free World, Bowen says, “….you begin to be aware of everything you are saying….because you are very careful when you speak. You are now talking in more positive terms because you are beginning to catch the words before they come out of your mouth. Your purple bracelet has gone from being a tool for realizing when you complain to being a filter through which your words pass before you speak them.” (p.87)

I have found this to be true. I am much more thoughtful about my comments in nearly all circumstances. I also have to say that my friends, coworkers, and family help keep me on track, too. Many have stopped in mid-conversation and said, “You’re not about to complain, are you?” I have found this to be helpful rather than intrusive, as might be the case with other people. It’s a personal thing, I guess. I have appreciated the assistance!

Bowen goes on to say, “You can best get what you desire by expressing what you want rather than complaining about the way things are.” And that is what brought me to this journey to begin with. I had been stuck in the mire of complaining about how things around me were, and that could be a life sentence, couldn’t it?

This morning I read from Jon Kabat-Zinn’s book, Coming to Our Senses. It fit perfectly with where I am on this journey:

“This capacity for paying attention and for intelligent action can be cultivated, nurtured, and refined beyond our wildest dreams if we have the motivation to do so…It is in our very nature as a species to learn and grow and heal and move toward greater wisdom in our ways of seeing and in our actions, and toward greater compassion for ourselves and others.”

See you tomorrow as I prepare for Sunday!

Day 120

Day 120: Real Time
Day 16: 21 Day Complaint Free Journey


“Life intervenes,” I often say when trying to be encouraging to someone who is frustrated by life’s tendency to take its own path. We can be hard on ourselves, beating ourselves up when we become entangled in our lives, almost as if we should be perfect little widgets that operate without ever being oiled or rested.

Life intervened for me yesterday. My feet hit the floor before dawn, which in itself isn’t unusual, but I had to actually leave the house to be downtown, a 30 minute drive on a good traffic day, parked, and through a security check before 9 AM. My destination? The Youth Offender Diversion program here in our county where I was beginning a tour of duty as a volunteer mediator.

Without violating my strict code of ethics regarding confidentiality, I can say that my complaints begin a dramatic slide to the bottom of the scale of importance as I listen to these young people and their parents. I’m often griping about a flat tire or perceived slight while these children tell tales of drive-by shootings and abandonment. I am humbled in their presence, ashamed by my self-involvement and selfishness.

After my three hour session was over at noon, I was depleted, both mentally and physically. But, for the first time in a while, I felt that I had done some good for one or two young people. Maybe, just maybe, we had offered them a lifeline that would pull them back from the edge of losing themselves in a world that all too often must look very frightening and cold.

This blog didn’t get written yesterday. I returned home and dropped back into my regular schedule as much as possible, researching for an upcoming writing deadline and preparing for a meeting in my home later in the evening. I’m evolved enough now to face that empty slot on my list of entries as I document my complaint-free journey, shrug and say to myself, “Life intervened.”

Day16

(6 more days to go!)

Weathered but standing