Day 106

Day 106: Real Time
Day 2: 21 Day Complaint Free Journey


As hard as it is to admit, other writers sometimes just say it better than I ever could:

“All faces resemble each other, yet how easily we see in each uniqueness, individuality, an identity. How deeply we value these differences. The ocean is a whole, but is has countless waves, every one different from all the others; it has currents, each unique, ever-changing; the bottom is a landscape all its own, different everywhere; similarly the shoreline. The atmosphere is whole, but its currents have unique signatures, even though they are just wind. Life on earth is a whole, yet it expresses itself in unique time-bound bodies, microscopic or visible, plant or animal, extinct or living. So there can be no one place to be. There can be no one way to be, no one way to practice, no one way to learn, no one way to love, no one way to grow or to heal, no one way to live…….” Jon Kabat-Zinn, Wherever You Go, There You Are.

So, if there is “no one way,” can we legitimately complain about someone else’s chosen path?

To do so denies the reality of life. We must think about that the next time we are about to berate someone for how they express themselves, how they live or love.

Day 2

Day 105

Day 105: Real Time
Day 1: 21 Day Complaint Free Journey


It’s time to change tactics. In the spirit of doing business in the Sunshine, just like government here in Florida, I hereby set this goal:

I will achieve my 21 days by September 30th.

Yes, I do mean 2010. (Regular readers understand that it IS necessary that I make that clear.)

I have returned again, tail between my legs, to Day 1. And my reason for doing so causes me to literally hang my head in shame.

But, transparency is a necessary thing in order to make this daily recounting of my journey a valid exercise. If not, I could just mark the days off my calendar and be done with it, couldn’t I? And my hope in documenting my painful journey is that you will learn from my many missteps and difficulties in achieving a goal that has meaning for not only each of us personally, but also for our families, friends, and coworkers. And ultimately a society that I believe is steeped in negativity.

I attended an event yesterday for a dear friend of my family. Their son was badly injured in a motorcycle accident in May, right around the same time my dad passed away. Their family spent weeks standing vigil by his bedside, wondering if he would live much less walk or talk again. Today he is at home, going to rehab every day, but unable to work until back on his feet….literally. Bills still need to be paid, though, and even with insurance, rehab is expensive.

This family is always the first to organize events to help others. The dad sings and the mom gets others to bring food, a local VFW or other organization donates space for a party, and everyone contributes to whoever needs it at the time. And we all have fun in the process.

And now it was their turn. There wasn’t an empty seat in the building, and people kept filing in. Local singers donated their time, and the money started pouring into the building. We were all honored to do it for them this time. My mother and I attended, my dad truly with us in spirit among all these people who knew and loved him.

And I am ashamed to say that in the midst of this inspiring setting I made a….well, less than complimentary comment about one of the singers. And one of our friends at the table, one who reads this column every day, caught me in the act. Nailed me to the table before the words had barely left my lips.

Have you finished “tsk, tsking” yet? I haven’t. I am truly ashamed of myself, and I apologize to that singer, even though he will never know it happened.

So, this morning in the darkness before dawn I decided to do what Will Bowen did. I am publicly setting the date of Sept. 30 as my “Day 21.”

Maybe that will work. And I know my friends will keep me honest.

Day 1.

Day 104

Day 104: Real Time
Day 13: 21 Day Complaint Free Journey


(Just a quick reminder for those joining me at this point in my journey: I have been trying for 104 days to accomplish 21 consecutive days without complaining, criticizing, or gossiping. My longest streak so far has been 17days.)

Let’s talk about control. My strengths in the work world focus on organization and detail. Give me a project, then stand back. Therefore, I don’t do well with bosses or supervisors who are micromanagers or those who are unable to release THEIR control over everything within their domain. But I can organize the heck out of an event, and carry it through to completion.

My personal life sometimes suffers, though, due to this tendency toward control. Someone in my recent past put it this way: I have to know everything. And I would agree with that to a large degree. (I come by this trait genetically, but that is a totally different day’s topic!) I believe that I do know the most efficient, cost-effective way to do most things, and I don’t see why everyone wouldn’t want to know that. Even if I have to tap them sharply on the shoulder to get their attention and demand that they just LISTEN to me.

See the problem? It’s one I have tackled intentionally in recent years, and I think I’ve done so with some success. Often, I have to talk to myself to stop the cycle of controlling behavior, but I have broken that cycle in many ways.

And I must say, I’m happier and more content because of it. Those around me probably are, too. No surprise there, right? People don’t respond well to being criticized, corrected, and coerced based on how they do things.

Richard Carlson puts it this way in his book, “Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff” : "The need for perfection and the desire for inner tranquility conflict with each other. Whenever we are attached to having something a certain way….we are almost by definition, engaged in a losing battle. Rather than being content and grateful for what we have, we are focused on what’s wrong with something and our need to fix it.”

So, if you see me off in a corner somewhere muttering to myself, I’m probably having a long heart-to-heart my control demon. It's best to leave me be for a while.

Day 14.

Day 103

Day 103: Real Time
Day 12: 21 Day Complaint Free Journey


Remember Pollyanna? She was a character created by Eleanor Porter in 1913, whose outlook was perennially optimistic. The mere name today conjures up an image of someone who is upbeat about whatever is going on around them, the billboard caricature of a naïve cheerleader.

And for many of us right now, life does not offer much to cheer about. The economy has brought millions of families to their knees and out of their homes. Food banks report seeing folks in line who once kept the shelves stocked for “poor” families. Pollyanna seems to have taken a vacation.

Will Bowen pastors a large church and travels the world advocating the concept of the complaint-free world. Cynics among us might way, “Easy for him to say,” as they superimpose a portrait of pretty Polly over Will’s face.

As I’ve chronicled my effort to become complaintless, I have been sensitive to this situation. Pollyanna has never lived in my house, that’s for sure, even though I consider myself a generally positive person. My life has been one of hard work and individual discipline and effort, often in the face of formidable obstacles. Without knowing much about him, I would imagine Will Bowen has faced his own demons. As have you, I’m sure.

How is it possible, then, to aspire to a goal like this one, now in its 103rd day for me? Is Pollyanna taunting me, the result only to make me look foolish and out of touch to the rest of you?

I have come to understand that if we view our lives from a prism of the world outside ourselves, we will never be happy. We will certainly never be enough, especially immersed in a consumer-driven society like ours.

But the peace that is created internally will not easily be overwhelmed by what is happening outside of ourselves. It doesn’t matter how bad things get, I am the one who frames my life and its events. It is when I am tempted to blame everyone else for my problems that my complaining begins. It’s THEIR fault I am [angry, underemployed, unhappy, out of work, standing in this line, listening to uninformed people, etc]. One could spend an entire lifetime just filling in those blanks every day, all day. And many people do.

It is still dark as I write these words, dawn over an hour away. A gentle rain is tapping on the canopy over my head, and a frog is serenading me from a still hidden corner of my garden. I built a small fire in the potbelly stove as the day prepares to unfold. It is enough for me. There is nothing to complain about, whether Pollyanna shows up to sit a while or not.

Day 12.

Day 102

Day 102: Real Time
Day 11: 21 Day Complaint Free Journey


I’m thinking.

Did I complain yesterday? I worked at home in the morning, met a new friend for lunch at one of my favorite restaurants, stopped at my office for about an hour, then accompanied another friend to a gathering at another restaurant for “social hour.” Then we ended up BACK at my favorite restaurant for dinner….and my daughter was our server.

How could I complain about any of that?

“To become a better you, you must be positive towards yourself, develop better relationships, embrace the place where you are.” Joel O’Steen

Day 11.

Day 101

Day 101: Real Time
Day 10: 21 Day Complaint Free Journey



So, here I am, prepared to succeed as I enter my second 100 days attempting to be complaint-free over the span of three weeks. Will Bowen, the creator of this project, picked that number because research into human behavior indicates it takes about that long to cement a new habit into the framework of our lives.

I finally bought a copy of Will's book for myself. I've practically worn out the library's copy, and I knew I needed to keep it closer to me as I walk this path. For those of you who aren't familiar with the process, here it is from the book:

1. Order a bracelet from www.acomplaintfreeworld.org or use any talisman that works for you. It can be something you wear or maybe a stone you carry in your pocket. Something easily manipulated....because you WILL manipulate it!

2. Put your talisman or bracelet on your person somewhere to start the process.

3. When you catch yourself complaining, gossiping, or criticizing, move the piece to the other wrist (or other pocket) and begin again.

4. Stay with it, because the average time to success if 4 - 8 MONTHS.

Yes....MONTHS. At 101 days, I'm still within the "average" range. And I didn't break that chain of success yesterday. I spent some time at one of my offices, visited the other, had lunch with a dear friend to catch up with our respective lives, and then worked out at the gym.


But I didn't complain. I intentionally controlled myself on a couple of occasions, I do remember that. I almost dropped off the cliff of complaints at lunch, because my friend and I hadn't seen each other in way too long. The tendency is to include everything that has happened since the last time we saw someone. But in my case, and probably yours, too, some of what happened is decidely unpleasant and has already caused me to break my chain of noncomplaining days. More than once, actually. Why even go there, then? I purposely did NOT talk about one particular situation from the past few months, thus relieving me of that burden. And I didn't burden her with it, either.

I have found as I've gotten older (I do hate that word!), my energy flags significantly in the afternoons. I've learned to pace myself by retreating to my back patio and I usually end my days just like I begin them....communing with the birds and squirrels who have gotten used to me spying on them as I sip a glass of wine and read philosophy and trashy novels. Go figure.


Day 10 beckons.

Day 100

Day 100: Real Time
Day 9: 21 Day Complaint Free Journey


It feels like a milestone, although I haven’t decided how to frame it yet. 100 days attempting to accomplish 21 consecutive complaint-free days. Is that a good thing……or not?

My longest string of days was 17, but I have started over from 1 MANY times, too.

My tendency in all areas of life is to find meaning, some idea of what exactly I’m doing here. Here being not only on this planet but also within whatever is going on in my world at the moment. I’m still working on the existential “Why am I here?” question with no end in sight, so let’s leave that for my early morning meditations and talk here about this journey to be free of complaining.

Within those 100 days have been thousands of complaints never spoken. That’s got to be a good thing, don’t you think? The people around me never had to hear me spout off on problems they had no part in creating, and they certainly couldn’t fix most of them for me, either.

As I make this journey, I have many friends and coworkers who think it’s healthy to complain, that such “sharing” relieves stress and sometimes even causes good things to happen. I used to say those things, too. But, if honesty prevails, those are rationalizations that mean “I’m angry (or frustrated or otherwise uncomfortable) and I can’t control myself. So, I’m going to let it all out so I can be free of my emotions. I don’t really care how it affects you as the receiver of my gift.”

Harsh? Maybe. But I think it’s true, when we remember that complaining IS allowed when we complain to the person who has the ability to fix our problem and we refrain from making it a personal attack. Under those circumstances, we have the obligation to speak up for not only ourselves, but those who have no voice, like children and animals.

So, here’s to my 100 days! Even though I haven’t had a successful 21 days, I believe I’m happier and I imagine those around me are breathing a little easier when they see me coming.

How are the people in your corner of the world feeling when you walk through the door?

Day 9

Day 99

Day 99: Real Time
Day 8: 21 Day Complaint Free Journey



I was behind.

My four trainings last week kept me from working toward my writing deadline, which was yesterday. I knew I didn’t want to spend the whole weekend working, so I finished the easy part on Sunday…that would be the creative part….which left the more technical pieces that go along with curricula writing.

Multiple choice questions, standards based, along with some synthesizing questions. Oh, dear…..

So, I sat down at my desk at 8 AM and typed and thought and typed some more, until nearly 3 PM. And I made the deadline.

One good thing about such intense concentration is there isn’t much human interaction going on. I even shut my door, something I rarely do, as I enjoy talking to people way too much to close them out. The good part for another of my purposes, though, was that a closed door and a silent phone translated to few opportunities for complaint.


Day 8. Another “Week 2” ahead!

Day 98

Day 98: Real Time
Day 7: 21 Day Complaint Free Journey



I love reading the newspaper. The actual paper is what I mean, not the virtual version so many large newspaper companies are slapping on the computer screen. I saw one that even had little thumbs in the lower corner to “turn” the pages.

It’s a habit my father instilled in me through his example. Now that he is gone, I have to rely on one of my thousands of mental images of him sitting in the easy chair with the newspaper held in front of him as he sipped his coffee.

I have tried to read the news on-line, I really have. It’s cheaper and it keeps your fingers free of black ink. Over the years, I’ve cancelled my home delivery of the paper several times, and then quickly regretted it. There’s just something soothing to me about the whole process. I look forward to it, whether I read it first thing in the morning or wait to savor it later. I just know it’s there.

Maybe that’s it. In a world turned upside down, reading the paper is a constant, something I can settle into no matter how chaotic my world is at any particular time.

Complaining is often a reflection of that chaos in our lives, isn’t it? And we all have it, regardless of how much we try to run from it. But we want everything to be easy and problem-free, two things that simply are not possible by the very definition of “life.”

My Sunday was complaint-free. I enjoyed welcoming the day from my back patio, complete with the Sunday paper, a cup of cinnamon-flavored coffee, and the critters that inhabit my yard. Soothing, stress-free, tranquil.

Day 7.

Day 97

Day 97: Real Time
Day 6: 21 Day Complaint Free Journey



I’ve always been a proponent of the old adage, “Where there’s a will, there’s a way.” Sometimes trite is just plain true.

My daughter and I faced the world alone for most of her growing-up years, and we were forced to be industrious, inventive people. We learned that there’s usually a way to get something accomplished, even tough things that those around us thought would defeat us. It took creativity and resolve, and often being patient when things didn’t work out the way we had in mind.

Becoming complaint-free is no different. I have found that my will to succeed is strong, although my plan to make it from sunup to sundown without kvetching sometimes falls apart. Make that OFTEN falls apart.

But I guess I’m finding the way. I don’t recall complaining yesterday as I worked around the house and yard in the early part of my Saturday. Then, a friend and our mothers met at the theater in the afternoon and saw the latest “chick flick,” which we all enjoyed. Our football team played in the evening, and I watched from my comfy recliner, laptop perched on my, you guessed it...lap….as I worked toward a Monday deadline. It was a good day.

Sunday dawns. I watched it wake up in all its glory, the cardinals and squirrels busy after the overnight rain.

Day 6.

Day 96

Day 96: Real Time
Day 5: 21 Day Complaint Free Journey



Yesterday I worked with a group of professionals who work in centers for students who are put out of their schools for serious misbehavior. Rather than have these kids roaming the streets unsupervised, their parents have the option of having them placed with these teachers and social workers for the duration of their suspension from school.

One might initially think that educators and other professionals who deal with difficult populations are hardened themselves. As a trainer, the first time I had to contemplate standing in front of such a group, I was a bit intimidated. Well, if I’m being honest, I was shaking in my boots!

But over the years, I have learned from experience standing in those boots that these folks are caring, compassionate professionals who are there for only one reason: To help kids who are often tossed aside as unredeemable. I have worked with people who deal with students labeled in all kinds of ways, ways that are often erroneous but convenient.

And the vast majority of these professionals, all of them, are eager to learn how to do their jobs better. They sat there yesterday for the requisite two hours and listened to me talk about teaching teens who read far below grade level, politely at first and then enthusiastically. When I left, they were released for lunch…and told to be back for yet another meeting in the afternoon.

They thanked me on the way out.

And I think they actually meant it.

Day 5.

Day 95

Day 95: Real Time
Day 4: 21 Day Complaint Free Journey


Teachers are pretty cool people. They endure, no matter what. The majority are dedicated to helping kids every day, even under increasingly adverse work conditions.

Do they complain? Of course. Who wouldn’t, in their situation? The stress is huge.

But they still show up.

I worked with a group of about 16 middle and high school teachers yesterday, all of whom teach reading to teenagers. My task was to familiarize them with the book they are required to use and to allow them some time to delve into some strategies that will enable their students to learn to read better. Not just the “average” ones. Even the ones who are performing far below grade level and are often abandoned.

They listened. They participated. I think they appreciated the help. But they really only wanted to be in their empty classrooms getting ready for Monday’s craziness of the first day of school. Their pre-“planning” week is stuffed full of meeting after meeting, training after training, administrative task after bureaucratic paper processing. They have no time for true planning, time they need in order to decide how to present lessons using all the knowledge they have to students they don’t know yet, time to make their rooms engaging and bright for kids.

During my trainings I give teachers an individually wrapped life saver. The message is clear.

So, as all educators show up for the beginning of this school year, bless you for being there. I love working with all of you. Our afternoon together was the highlight of my day, a day without complaint. I hope that I respected your time and provided help rather than hindrance.


A good teacher is like a candle - it consumes itself to light the way for others. ~Author Unknown

Day 94

Day 94: Real Time
Day 3: 21 Day Complaint Free Journey


The usual glitches occurred. A trainer learns very quickly to expect the unexpected. Or get another career.

A nice stranger led me to the correct building in his golf cart. A young ROTC cadet carried my heavy cart up the stairs in a building with no elevator. My "official" sign in sheet didn't arrive until half way through the day, but I had taken my own.I had extra copies, additional tools, and a non complaining attitude.

I was prepared to be taken by surprise so that I wasn’t. And I love my job.

Day 3.

Day 93

Day 93: Real Time
Day 2: 21 Day Complaint Free Journey


I made another road trip yesterday, so stopped at the local library and checked out Will Bowen’s book, A Complaint Free World, on CD.

Again.

I’ve listened to it twice before, and have also read the book. But I always glean more from it. I was reminded that it takes an average of 4 – 6 months for people to achieve 21 days complaint free. So, I guess I’m not out of the ordinary at 93 days. That’s good, because I feel stymied by my efforts much of the time.

I heard Will discuss that we each know whether a particular statement we make was a complaint or not. I have experienced this myself over the past 3 months. Friends will say they didn’t think something I had said was actually complaint. But I know what I meant and how I felt when I spoke the words. I can't lie to me.

I travelled to Central Florida to get ready to train teachers today on the curriculum I help write each year. I arrived safely, with no problems encountered along the way. I had a great dinner with a friend as we caught up on one another's lives. I spoke in the context of what I wanted to happen rather than how things might have not gone quite the way I wanted or expected over the past 24 hours.

I just have to stay focused on that tuning fork for the universe. Only positive thoughts allowed. All will be fine today, too.

Day 2.

Day 92

Day 92: Real Time
Day 1: 21 Day Complaint Free Journey


OK, Will.

You say that, instead of talking about what is wrong with my life, I should focus on what I want my life to look like. The Law of Attraction that will be triggered then will bring me more of what I want instead of more of what is driving me crazy.

I’m taking a deep breath right now, so bear with me just a second.

So, Will, here I go:

• I would like to have a peaceful day, as I prepare to leave town to present training sessions about building teen literacy to teachers tomorrow in Central Florida. I will drive and be safe, as will everyone else on the road around me. My car will get me there and back successfully.
• I envision a completed contract with the one employer that remains unsigned to date. Once that is accomplished, I can finish training elementary aged children to mediate the conflicts of their peers and become peacemakers, instead of troublemakers. I can spread the importance of character development to teachers and parents.
• My family will be healthy and safe today, too.
• My bills will be paid without worry.


I could have simply skipped sharing with all of you that I had a misstep yesterday and told you I was on Day 10. No one that I complained to as the day unfolded thought I SHOULDN’T be complaining, and thus they wouldn’t have ratted me out. I know this for a fact.

However, I may complain when I shouldn’t, but I promise to be honest about it.

And, Will, I just happened to think. Yesterday I sent the vibration out into the universe that I might not make it to 21 days. And, so, here I am back at Day 1.

I hear the universe humming now.

Day 91

Day 91: Real Time
Day 9: 21 Day Complaint Free Journey




Three months. Not really a long time in the context of how long I’ve been an out of control complainer, I guess. And I’m into my second gripe-free week, which I’m pleased with.

For those of you new to this account of my journey, I once made it to Day 17, and then got thrown off course by….well, I don’t remember what derailed me now. That’s instructive all by itself, isn’t it?

Life is like that. Immediate, urgent, catastrophic. And then we can’t remember what was so important even a day or so later.

I know what topics and situations tend to overthrow me, and I am learning to handle those with some forethought and some restraint.

Hopefully, I’ll make it to week 3. But if I don’t, I do know that I’m getting better at this.

Day 9.

Day 90

Day 90: Real Time
Day 8: 21 Day Complaint Free Journey



It’s amazing how our interactions with others are interpreted so differently by the speaker and the receiver. Communication is a skill, just like any other, that must be taught and then practiced if we have any hope of being successful as friends, coworkers, lovers, strangers, and even kin. (Those last two categories are not mutually exclusive, by the way. I have some really strange kin and I bet you do, too.)

I travelled to a nearby town to spend some time with a cousin that I had lost touch with over the years. Like about 50 years, to be precise. He and his girlfriend and I walked up to Scarlett O’Hara’s for wings and beer and catching up. The conversation bounced back and forth, and then I asked him a question about our other cousins. Whether he had been close to any of them over the years.

Suddenly, he stopped the conversation in its tracks and remarked that he really appreciated that I ask questions about his life. He pointed out that many people are only involved in “conversation” with a goal of talking about themselves. Complete with moaning about everything surrounding them.

Without going into a long complaint about these people, give it some thought on your own. Do you know folks like this? How does it make you feel when they hijack the discourse and run off with it, usually without even acknowledging what you last said?

So, what does that have to do with my 21 day journey to become complaint free? I started this journey 90 days ago because I felt that I had become a burden as a friend, a mother, a coworker, a relative. I had begun to hear my whining and complaining and I didn’t like what I was hearing. At all.

We simply must be aware of how we are conversing with one another. Do we commandeer the conversation, shining the spotlight on our lives, especially to complain about how difficult things are? Or are we truly interested in those who sit on the other side of the table? We all have burdens to carry. Maybe instead of only focusing on our own, we can really listen to each other with true intent to lift some of those burdens from each other.

Even if it's only to ask a simple question.



Day 8. I have passed the ONE WEEK mark again!

Day 89

Day 89: Real Time
Day 7: 21 Day Complaint Free Journey


I couldn’t place him, even after about two days of hard thinking.

A former student had approached me in a local business, having recognized me from a distance. His smile was wide and he seemed genuinely pleased to see me. After we talked, it became apparent that I had taught him in middle school at some point, although neither of us could remember exactly how long ago.

He proudly handed me his business card, a tree service operation, complete with his name painted on the side of a truck parked right outside the window nearby. As a good businessman does, he encouraged me to call him if I needed his services and asked that I pass the word along to my friends.

But I still couldn’t place him as a teenager in one of my classes in the past.

And then, about three days later, he clicked into focus. He was the one who knew all my buttons and took great joy in pushing them frequently. He wasn’t a mean-spirited kid. He was just into everything, with no interest in the content I was trying to pass along to him. I do recall that he smiled the whole time he was creating the fun he so enjoyed.

At the time, my hopes for him were not great. I imagine that I even complained a bit about him, and the many others like him.

Yet, here he was, an adult with a business that he was proud of, one that supported him.

Will Bowen says that instead of complaining we should be envisioning how we want our lives to be. And through the Law of Attraction, the universe is more likely to accommodate us in positive ways rather than negative.

What if we all spent today….just today….stating things in the positive rather than the reverse?

Day 7. I’ll try it today. How about you?

Day 88

Day 88: Real Time
Day 6: 21 Day Complaint Free Journey


Acceptance.

Mindfulness.

Staying in the present.

The Law of Attraction.


Each of these concepts flows around me now as I travel this road to becoming complaint free.

A video clip showed up on my computer screen, having found its way through cyberspace to me at exactly the right time. A time when I’m still struggling to understand (and accept) that life will never be struggle-free. (The fact that I just wrote that sentence illustrates how far I have to come, even now!) To strive for a time when all is in place in my life, with no problems or issues is only to ensure never-ending frustration.

The clip is of an interview with Will Smith, the rapper turned TV star turned movie icon. And now I can see why he has achieved such fame in his life so far, but more importantly why he seems to have it all. He has actually worked to make it happen. And apparently he wasn’t born with all of that abundance in his life as some have been.

It’s because he knows what is important and he believes it belongs to him. He sets the plan in motion every day, without fail. (Go to q=+will+smith+and+the+law+of+attraction&FORM=VDRE&qpvt=+will+smith+and+the+law+of+attraction# and listen to Will talk about the Law of Attraction and how it has worked in his life.)

Yesterday I dealt with another problem with my car, a topic that has thrown me into a tailspin before. This time, though, I focused on the moment, dropping it off at the dealership for their diagnosis, staying calm, and then waiting for the call. Imagine my surprise when my phone rang a few hours later to tell me they couldn't find anything wrong with it. And then they didn't charge me the diagnosis fee that I had signed for in the morning when I met with the service advisor.


Day 6. What do I wish to attract today?

Day 87

Day 87: Real Time
Day 6: 21 Day Complaint Free Journey



Exactly WHAT is a complaint?

Sounds easy, right? But this question continues to come up from those who read this blog or those who are personally witnessing my journey to become complaint-free for 21 days.

So, let’s go to the source. Here is a short video clip from Will Bowen, the founder of the Complaint Free challenge, discussing the definition of “complaint.” Take a look and I’ll be waiting here when you get back.

http://www.youtube.com/user/complaintfreeworld#p/u/41/aDM3PZTLjvA

OK. Did that help? When we view this effort in terms of building better communication skills, things make a little more sense, I think. Will has a good point when he says that people often are reticent to speak up to the person or people who can make things better for us.

Day 6, full steam ahead!

Day 86

Day 86: Real Time
Day 5: 21 Day Complaint Free Journey


As my years spin by, ripping pages from the calendar, there is one thing I know every day: I know less and less all the time.

People who seem to have it all figured out and are very eager to tell everyone else how the world works frighten me just a little bit. To these folks, everything is black or white, one way or the other, and the pieces of the puzzle never change. To them, the world never changes, nor do the people in it.

For me, the aging process has led me to understand that nothing is ever as it first seems and people are intriguing, complex beings that often morph right in front of my eyes. To think that I understand any situation completely is arrogant and completely self-centered.

And I think people who place themselves at the center of a universe that they think is stagnant and one-dimensional have a tendency to complain a great deal. Why wouldn’t they? All those ever-changing puzzle pieces must drive them crazy, don’t you think?

One last thing: The people who have it all figured out will think that this column is about all those OTHER folks who just don’t understand.

The more I accept that I know very little, the less I complain. Day 5……

Day 85

Day 85: Real Time
Day 4: 21 Day Complaint Free Journey


Progress is being made! Specifically with my Facebook interactions.

For those who haven’t been introduced to this social networking phenomenon, be forewarned! It can be an addiction just like any other that devours our attention for hours when we should really be engaged in more productive tasks. I understand from the snatches of news reports I manage to hear that many employers have had to block the site so their workers are really…..well, working.

Not that I would know anything about that first hand, of course.

As my frequent readers know, I have had a tendency to react quickly to some of the posts that my FB friends offer, my opinions and my fingers flying before I’ve evaluated what I’ve written in terms of my 21 day journey to become complaint free. Not good. That kind of reaction has caused me to go back to Day 1 several times, once after I had made it to 17 positive days.

But yesterday, I found myself typing and then deleting BEFORE I sent the negative or sarcastic comment on its way through cyberspace to be splashed for all to see. I even stopped typing once or twice, realizing what I was about to do. BEFORE I did it.

And that’s huge for me. I often “joke” that I didn’t learn to speak until I was 35 years old and haven’t shut up since. The result has been that I often rattle on with some pretty strong opinions for longer than I should or even in situations that I shouldn’t at all.

And today I even thought out some positive comments to share with my FB friends instead of spilling negativity all over their screens.

Happy Day 4 for me!

Day 84

Day 84: Real Time
Day 3: 21 Day Complaint Free Journey


It was a lazy, hot Sunday here in NE Florida, much like most such August days in this part of the world.

Steam rises off the pavement at the slightest hint of moisture and everything moves much more slowly. Energy levels suffer, too, during these summer days. It just takes too much work to get moving, much less exert a lot of effort actually working or accomplishing anything. Sitting with a glass of iced tea in the cool stillness of the house beckons even the most industrious.

Thus, my Day 2 passed without complaint, even in the heat. Maybe I was just too hot to be bothered.

Day 3……

Day 83

Day 83: Real Time
Day 2: 21 Day Complaint Free Journey



“….imagine that everyone you know and everyone you meet is perfectly enlightened. That is, everyone except you! The people you meet are all here to teach you something….Your job is to try to determine what the people in your life are trying to teach you. You’ll find if you do this, you’ll be far less annoyed, bothered, and frustrated by the actions and imperfections of other people. All you are really doing is changing your perception from “Why are they doing this?” to “What are they trying to teach me?”

Richard Carlson, “Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff”


What have others tried to teach YOU lately? Have you accepted their lessons or resisted their annoyances? I successfully managed to accept those around me yesterday, as I ran typical Saturday errands, did some gardening and reading, even got a short snooze in the afternoon while it rained outside my window.

Have a wonderful Sunday, enlightened friends!

Day 82

Day 82: Real Time
Day 1: 21 Day Complaint Free Journey




OK, help me out here. I got on Facebook yesterday after a computer-less week at home, and started scrolling down to read what my friends have been up to. Several of them are active in topics of interest to me, such as the state of education, politics, or business in my community. Not mutually exclusive topics, I realize, but these folks usually concentrate on one or the other.

One who focuses on business and politics, though, posted a link to an article about a recent court decision. It was like someone threw a match on my head and I burst into flames. (Many of you who know me personally have probably seen this happen to me.) I immediately typed a comment that said, “Search for George Carlin’s final performance on YouTube. Enough said.”

I hit “Enter” and my words appeared magically on the screen for all my friends to read. And then I realized that I had complained, albeit through a back door into a room populated by everyone who knows about Carlin’s performance and his message.

Then I realized I was going to have to sit down here today and admit that I had to go back to Day 1 AGAIN.

Don’t I?

Would you categorize that as a complaint? Or am I being too hard on myself (which might account for the fact that I’ve been trying for 81 days to accomplish 21 complaint-free in a row.)

All I can do is recall Will Bowen’s words, though: If you think it might have been a complaint, it probably was.

Day 1.

(Unless enough of you weigh in otherwise).

Day 81

Day 81: Real Time
Day 5: 21 Day Complaint Free Journey



Before I left for last night’s mini-reunion of my writers’ group at a local restaurant, I consciously thought about how I might get into trouble with complaining once we all got together again. I planned how I was going to react by slowing down my response times during the conversations that were sure to swirl around the table.

And it worked. I listened more than I talked, and I didn’t interrupt with my own tales about trials I had faced since we had last seen one another. I didn’t get caught in the trap of jumping off from someone else’s complaint smack into a pool of my own muck, splashing everyone with the goop of communal grousing.

The result for me was a calmer evening. It was an enjoyable time with people who share similar interests, without rehashing the many difficulties we have surely all faced in the past year.

Day 5 ahead………..

Day 80

Day 80: Real Time
Day 4: 21 Day Complaint Free Journey


Do you think it’s possible to get too much information?

In this era of 24/7 news, the Internet, hand-held communication devices that seem to do everything but eat for us, is all this data necessary? Is it even good for us?

I don’t have the answers for you, but I do know how it all affects me. I become overwhelmed with the tragedies, the inequities, the just plain horror of so much that goes on in the world. Which only leads to the temptation to discuss it all, and that leads to much of my complaining.

How could all of this NOT lead to complaining??

I used to teach middle school social studies, and at the end of each year I surveyed my students about my abilities as a teacher. One bright young man told me I was “obsessed” with the news, as I made them watch the daily newscast for students that was transmitted into our school. I believed at the time I was instilling a valuable habit into their daily routines.

Now I’m not so sure.

Day 4.

Day 79

Day 79: Real Time
Day 3: 21 Day Complaint Free Journey


My day was free of complaints, a day of affirmation and peace.

I had lunch with a young woman I have known for quite some time, although we had lost touch for a number of years until recently. As a matter of fact, her mother called me a month or so ago and invited me to the graduation party planned for her daughter, apologizing for the late notice. She went on to say that they wanted me to be there, even though we hadn’t seen or spoken to each other for about 5 years.

Their diverse extended family is large, yet very close knit. The food at their house is unbelievable, but, more importantly of course, their sense of unity is remarkable. And she was graciously re-establishing that tie with me, pulling me back into their orbit. I was touched beyond words.

Events like this are often overlooked in our daily busy-ness. We get so involved rotating on our own axis that we spin out of touch with the people who offer us comfort and security in a world that is increasingly neither.

I am thankful for that unexpected phone call, and hope to keep this young woman and her family closer in the future.

Day 3.

Day 78

Day 78:Real Time
Day 2: 21 Day Complaint Free Journey


On the surface, it might seem that gaining acceptance in one’s life would mean accepting the fact that we complain. After all, it’s part of who we are (at least some of us), isn’t it? Shouldn’t we, therefore, accept that piece of our personal puzzle, too?

Hmmmm. Interesting thought experiment.

And after I experimented with that thought one morning in the early morning shadows, I found the deeper variable to the equation. If we are truly accepting of life, we accept the people and events that revolve around us as THEY present themselves. And if we are operating in the present moment, each frame of life is new, with no past and no future to taint our view.

Thus, we should have no need to complain. We cannot control, nor should we expect to control, how others live their lives. (This is why Will Bowen says that we should not take the liberty of calling someone else out when THEY complain. We all have enough to worry about with our own griping and grousing. )

Easy? Think again. It’s been one of the most difficult transitions to even get started within the scope of my daily walk through life. It has been even more difficult than not complaining.

I don’t anticipate ever being truly successful at listening to someone I’ve known a long time and hearing only the words they are speaking RIGHT NOW. No history, no future. Just right this minute. But if you give it a try, I believe you will find it an amazing experience.

Day 2, right this minute.

Day 77

Day 77: Real Time
Day 1: 21 Day Complaint Free Journey


This will be a short entry today.

Are you ready?

I simply MUST stay off Facebook, and absolutely should NOT share my comments to postings! I type as fast as I think and ,therefore, get myself into trouble expressing “opinions” about what I see on this addictive social networking site.

Or maybe I should just disable my “ENTER” key.

Day 1 again.

Day 76

Day 76: Real Time
Day 3: 21 Day Complaint Free Journey

“In a New Yorker cartoon, Gahan Wilson shows two Buddhist monks seated next to each other, quiet, still, meditating. One is very old and experienced in the ways of mediation. The other is young and has a perplexed look on his face. It’s evident that he has just asked his more experienced mentor a question. The old monk’s answer to the question is: “Nothing happens next. This is it.”

I wish I could attribute the above passage properly; however, it is a page torn from a long forgotten book, page 323 actually that I carry around in my purse. These words speak loudly to me at this stage in my life, and it's too bad I can't give credit where it's due.

I have spent decades running from one task to the next. Stop and smell the roses? I never even knew roses came in an abundance of colors, and I certainly never bought myself any with the money I worked so hard for.

Things have slowed down for me, though, and I cherish the opportunities I have created to watch clouds and take in the scent of gardenias as well as roses in all their glory. I had to grasp the inherent wisdom behind trite phrases like, “Life isn’t a dress rehearsal.” My daughter had that one pasted to her bookcase for years, but the words didn’t register with me until she left for college and the house was deadly quiet. I had wasted so much time being critical of…..well, just about everything….that I probably missed things that existed only once in all of eternity.

Sad. We’re always thinking the other side of something is better than where we stand right now. Many of us not only think the grass will be greener over there; we spend a lot of precious time trying to convince others of it, too. We seem to feel that we’re wasting time if we’re not a whirling dervish of activity, complete with a crew of like-minded folks.

What would happen in your life today if you adopted the elderly monk’s vision: Nothing happens next. This is it. Do you think you would enjoy this moment, and then that one, and the next one just a bit more? Accept things instead of attempting to control them, thinking that SOMETHING is always supposed to be happening?

Day 3.