Post-21 Days

It has been nearly a month since I reach my 21 complaint free days. My journey continues, and I know what you want to ask me. I can see you struggling with it.

And, yes. I have complained since we last visited. But do I feel that I have failed in some way because of my missteps? Emphatically, no. For every spoken gripe there have been five or six that I have swallowed. The balance has definitely tilted toward the positive rather than the negativity I had been mired in for so long when I started this trek.

So, what has caused me to complain? Nothing different than your own grumbling and griping. I traded my ten year old car for a newer model. A phone company insists on billing me for services never rendered. Enough said?

My phone rang the other day and guess who was on the other end. Will Bowen himself, congratulating me for achieving my 21 days. Nice man. We talked a bit about my idea to put these blogs into book form, and he encouraged me to do so.

Wildflowers

You just never know who is watching, do you?  I'll stay in touch. 

Day 125

Day 125: Real Time

A new day

Day 21: 21 Day Complaint Free Journey                   


Well, it’s been a ride, hasn’t it?

125 days ago, on May 17, I slid my bracelet on my wrist and accepted the challenge to go 21 consecutive days without complaining.

Today I reached DAY 21.

During the 125 days, my father died and I joined a faith community….both on the same day.

During the 125 days, I withstood threats to my livelihood by a huge bureaucracy that got entangled in their own paperwork and silliness, and I wasn’t paid for nearly 4 months.

During the 125 days, I went to work for another huge company (to try to make up for the situation mentioned above) and was reminded that appearances don't always tell the true story.

During the 125 days, I faced some of the most difficult days as a parent, and my child is 26 years old.

During the 125 days, I once made it all the way to Day 17 without complaining, a gripe slipped out, and I had to retreat to Day 1 again.

And again.

And again.

This journey has been one of the hardest I have ever taken, and I’ve taken some hard paths before, believe me. I’ve learned more about myself than I ever anticipated, and I know I am a better person for it. Will I never complain again? I’m better but I’m not stupid. Of course, I will. But it will be less than before, and that’s all I can ask of myself.

Many of you have encouraged me every step of this very difficult way, and I thank you for it from the bottom of my heart. You know who you are. I also had to step away from other people who were injecting only toxicity in my life, and I hate that I  had to let them go. But perhaps we're all better off for it. Friendships sometimes run their course and we must acknowledge and honor that, before all the memories are poisonous, too.

Thank you, too, to Will Bowen for writing the book that inspired me to be a better version of me. (I'm sure my friends and family thank you, too!)

I can see now that some people might face this challenge willingly, yet never make it. I wouldn’t be surprised, nor would I judge them. It is still worth it to try. Your life will never be the same.

If you don’t understand that, take the challenge yourself.

I’ll be your mentor.

Day 124

Day 124: Real Time

Day 20: 21 Day Complaint Free Journey

I’m almost there. One more day. This time, my confidence is complete, my goal within my fingertips on the other side of this very day.

I have much to think about today. This journey has been significant, life-altering, important in ways I never anticipated. And I’m sure I’m no different than others who have reached this milestone, too.

I still have much to learn about dealing with people, with life, without judging and whining. I view this journey as one that will continue beyond tomorrow’s milestone. After all, isn’t that what a milestone is? A marker. A place to assess where we are, how far we’ve come.

Until the next one shows up along our path. There is always another one.

" The challenge of a life’s time, to choose to cultivate these capacities for learning, growing, healing and transformation right in the midst of our moments, is also the adventure of a lifetime. It begins a journey toward realizing who we really are and living our lives as if they really mattered.” Jon Kabat-Zinn, Coming to Our Senses.



 Day 20. Have you sent the invitations to my congratulatory party yet?

The gate

Day 123

Day 123: Real Time

Strength

Day 19: 21 Day Complaint Free Journey                   

I didn’t realize what I had done until a few hours later. My new neighbor had flooring put in her house and wanted me to see it. (She had unexpectedly found a floor of brick underneath the carpeting when she moved in…can you imagine THAT nightmare?)

Anyway, we oohed and ahhed her beautiful new wood laminate for a few minutes, as good neighbors do when required. When we walked back outside, she mentioned that she had asked the elderly lady on the other side of the common area for a recommendation for a lawn mowing service.

Now, this elderly lady and I have had some issues over the years. That actually went through my mind at that moment, but I skipped over that mental image and never mentioned it to our new neighbor. And I had some stories I could have told, believe me.

In other words, I have reached the final stage of becoming complaint free: Unconscious competence. As I’ve said before, I’m generally not too fond of maneuvering through life in an “unconscious” mode (my experience to date being that bad things happen when I don’t know what I’m doing), but in this case….it’s a good thing! Without even making the decision to refrain from sharing those wonderful stories about the elderly neighbor, I automatically kept them to myself.

And didn’t even realize it until about two hours later.

Two more days. You can start planning the party for me now if you’d like!

Day 122

Day 122: Real Time
Day 18: 21 Day Complaint Free Journey                     


I was rejected again this week.

Before you laugh and point and say that I’ve just complained THREE DAYS before I reach my goal, let me explain.

I was 10 when my first piece of writing appeared in print, an article about the Blue Angels in the base military newspaper wherever my dad was stationed at the time. Although that article was not a creative piece of work, the process of etching words onto paper (even if I have made the switch to typing them onto a screen) has always satisfied me in the way that nothing else does. (Well, now that I’m older than 10, maybe one other thing, but I’ll write about that and send it elsewhere, away from prying little eyes, not all of which belong to children.)

I wasn’t raised in a family that encouraged the free expression of feelings. So I learned to let my emotions drip out onto the paper, word by word, hurt by hurt, my pen or pencil the magic wand that took me away and then brought me back when it was safe.

For reasons not important now, I did not pursue my passion for words when I journeyed off to college, instead earning a degree in education. My writing waned for decades, the sheer busyness of life chewing up time and spitting me out in the process, until three years ago when I stepped off the treadmill and said, “ENOUGH!” I mortgaged my home, even more than it was at the time, and retreated back to sanity, my peace of mind more valuable than….well, anything.

It was then that I began to write again. I self-published a book about single parenting, primarily because it was important that I saw my work in print. More importantly, I embraced my emotional life once more, dismantling the filter that I had erected so long ago, ever since I had put the pen down nearly 40 years ago. In order to pay the bills, I write curricula and other types of content that is more “wordsmithing” than creative, and I consult in areas that I mastered while a teacher. But, in the early dawn or dusk of a day, I also write in ways that are very satisfying to me, that I find are necessary for me to remain at peace and coherent within the context of my life. That type of writing has filled up dozens of notebooks and flash drives that, if nothing else, will be my legacy to my daughter.

I stopped submitting my work for about a year, the rejection grating on my spirit after a few years. (I’ve entered enough contests to finance a small yacht ; yes, those contests cost money to enter), and answered hundreds of calls for submissions. One piece was purchased by Teacher Magazine, but that's it. So, for the past year, I wrote but I didn’t share it with anyone.

And then, last week I sent in three pieces of work. And got an immediate rejection via email on one of those. I’m still waiting on the other two.

BUT I am again taking the risk of sharing my words, my heart with strangers. Because when you stop and think about it, don't writers write in order to be read?
And it feels good. No complaints here.

Three more days! Where are we going to celebrate?

Day 121

Day 121: Real Time

Almost there....

Day 17: 21 Day Complaint Free Journey        


Day 17.  If my plan holds, I will reach Day 21 this Sunday, Sept. 19th. For those of you who may have just stumbled on this column by accident, welcome! And by way of explanation, I have been attempting, for the past 121 days, to utter no complaints for 21 consecutive days. With just that bit of information, you can tell that my journey has been difficult. As a motiviating tool, I recently set the date of Sept 30th to reach this milestone. It seems to have helped.

My experience is not unusual according to Will Bowen, the creator of the Complaint Free movement. Most people, he says, take between 4 and 6 months. So, we’ll see if I make it to my destination this weekend. Stay tuned….

_________________________________________________________
In his book, A Complaint Free World, Bowen says, “….you begin to be aware of everything you are saying….because you are very careful when you speak. You are now talking in more positive terms because you are beginning to catch the words before they come out of your mouth. Your purple bracelet has gone from being a tool for realizing when you complain to being a filter through which your words pass before you speak them.” (p.87)

I have found this to be true. I am much more thoughtful about my comments in nearly all circumstances. I also have to say that my friends, coworkers, and family help keep me on track, too. Many have stopped in mid-conversation and said, “You’re not about to complain, are you?” I have found this to be helpful rather than intrusive, as might be the case with other people. It’s a personal thing, I guess. I have appreciated the assistance!

Bowen goes on to say, “You can best get what you desire by expressing what you want rather than complaining about the way things are.” And that is what brought me to this journey to begin with. I had been stuck in the mire of complaining about how things around me were, and that could be a life sentence, couldn’t it?

This morning I read from Jon Kabat-Zinn’s book, Coming to Our Senses. It fit perfectly with where I am on this journey:

“This capacity for paying attention and for intelligent action can be cultivated, nurtured, and refined beyond our wildest dreams if we have the motivation to do so…It is in our very nature as a species to learn and grow and heal and move toward greater wisdom in our ways of seeing and in our actions, and toward greater compassion for ourselves and others.”

See you tomorrow as I prepare for Sunday!

Day 120

Day 120: Real Time
Day 16: 21 Day Complaint Free Journey


“Life intervenes,” I often say when trying to be encouraging to someone who is frustrated by life’s tendency to take its own path. We can be hard on ourselves, beating ourselves up when we become entangled in our lives, almost as if we should be perfect little widgets that operate without ever being oiled or rested.

Life intervened for me yesterday. My feet hit the floor before dawn, which in itself isn’t unusual, but I had to actually leave the house to be downtown, a 30 minute drive on a good traffic day, parked, and through a security check before 9 AM. My destination? The Youth Offender Diversion program here in our county where I was beginning a tour of duty as a volunteer mediator.

Without violating my strict code of ethics regarding confidentiality, I can say that my complaints begin a dramatic slide to the bottom of the scale of importance as I listen to these young people and their parents. I’m often griping about a flat tire or perceived slight while these children tell tales of drive-by shootings and abandonment. I am humbled in their presence, ashamed by my self-involvement and selfishness.

After my three hour session was over at noon, I was depleted, both mentally and physically. But, for the first time in a while, I felt that I had done some good for one or two young people. Maybe, just maybe, we had offered them a lifeline that would pull them back from the edge of losing themselves in a world that all too often must look very frightening and cold.

This blog didn’t get written yesterday. I returned home and dropped back into my regular schedule as much as possible, researching for an upcoming writing deadline and preparing for a meeting in my home later in the evening. I’m evolved enough now to face that empty slot on my list of entries as I document my complaint-free journey, shrug and say to myself, “Life intervened.”

Day16

(6 more days to go!)

Weathered but standing

                                                                          

Day 118

Day 118: Real Time


Day 14: 21 Day Complaint Free Journey


“The next time someone offers you an opinion, rather than judge or criticize it, see if you can find a grain of truth in what the person is saying.”

                                    Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff, Richard Carlson

My daughter surfed in a women’s surf contest yesterday. She’s been doing this since she was 12, paddling out among the dolphins, and yes, sometimes sharks. We may not see them, but we know they are there.

Kind of like the “grain of truth” Richard Carlson speaks of in the quote from his book, Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff. We become so defensive when someone challenges our beliefs, don’t we? I think it’s indicative of a narrowing of our tolerance levels in this country, tolerance for those differences that don’t mesh with our own beliefs.

Dangerous stuff. Much more dangerous than most of us realize. Our country was founded on this very principle and we’re eroding it, piece by piece, opinion by opinion. Our skins need to be a lot thicker and we need to at least listen to strange and varied belief systems.

Like the surfers accept the sharks.

Day 14.

Day 117

Can you see?

Day 117: Real Time

Day 13: 21 Day Complaint Free Journey                   




Friendship.


Relationships.


Time.


Growth.


Acknowledging the truth.


Turning away from immediate gratification.


Acceptance.


              No need to complain, defend, or explain.


Day 13

Day 116

The Path

Day 116: Real Time                                                             
Day 12: 21 Day Complaint Free Journey
        In other words: I have been attempting, for 116 days, to string together 21 consecutive “Complaint Free” days.


Yesterday began as a disjointed, discombobulated day for me. I had woken up at 1 AM, sleepily stumbled to the bathroom, had then fallen back into bed, ready to snooze until dawn. Well, that was the plan.

Sleep skittered away from me, though, my mind suddenly engaged in calisthenics, hopping from this thought to that worry to that mental “to do” list, back and forth. I tried to regain the velvety peace of rest, I really did.

“I’ll try to concentrate on my breathing. OK. One breath…..”

        “I can’t believe she said that to me today! What a crock…..”

“Wait! Back to the breath….one…two…..”

        “I have to remember to buy cat food tomorrow, it’s been two days that I’ve forgotten….”

“Stop! Go to the “floating in a pool” image...that usually works…..”

        “Remember that time I went to Daytona with [person X]! Wonder what happened to….”

“Darn….there I went again! OK. Picture the clouds, skittering through the blue sky, sun hot on my skin….Breathe, in, out, in……”

        “I really need to start submitting my work again, how can I expect to sell anything if….”

Well, you get the picture. I finally gave up around 4:30. My mind was working hard, so I got up and joined it at the computer, finishing an article ahead of deadline, my eyes gritty and sore from being open so long.

BUT…..I took a different road to the rest of the day than I usually do when I have one of these irritating nights of struggle.

I decided to act like it never happened. I dropped into my routine (although I did manage a nap in the middle of the day just because I could at that point, being self-employed is a wonderful thing), and did the best I could to regain my equilibrium rather than spin out of control and waste the rest of the day.

Restricting the complaints rather than spreading my angst to others. Choices. Progress.

Day 12.

Day 115

Day 115: Real Time

Whatever it takes.....

Day 11: 21 Day Complaint Free Journey                 


Remember my list from a month or so ago? It was the four topics that are certain to send me off the cliff, caustic complaints spewing as I tumble over the edge.

For those of you who have recently joined me on this journey and as a reminder to the rest of you, here is the list:


Our city government.

The educational system, both locally and nationally.

Incompetence in general.

Parents who don’t parent


I bring this up for a reason, as you’ve probably guessed by now. I visited the lair of #3 yesterday, and I must say, I did pretty well. I did some deep breathing as I parked my car, and then I sat and looked at clouds for a few minutes. That always helps me prepare to face the gnome who lives snarling and drooling in that particular dank cave.

While there, though, I ALMOST got snagged on the razor-sharp teeth of trying to explain that which cannot be explained with any sense or logic to someone who wouldn’t have heard it anyway. My mouth started to move, my hands began to flail around, and I started to speak. I’m sure I sounded like I was strangling. I managed, though, to gulp down those words, the ones that would have made not a whit of difference. The ones that would have put me back to Day 1 in a heartbeat.

I left as quickly as I could ride the elevator down and then practically ran to my car. That was close. The issue that took me there in the first place is still simmering and stewing, and may never be resolved. The fact that it involves my livelihood matters only to me. I learned a long time ago that no one is indispensible, and I also know that I am capable of doing whatever it takes to take care of things.

I avoided any discussion about that particular beast for the rest of the day. I stopped at my favorite deli and had breakfast, the smells of the bagels and other goodies enveloping me in warmth and their comforting carbs. Eating always helps. (Refer to earlier columns about my issues with food.)

During the afternoon, I took some steps to become free of the gnome in that building if it becomes necessary. Sometimes it pays off to live with labels like “Type A Personality” and that other female descriptor that cannot be printed here.

As I always taught my daughter: “Whatever it takes.” But, in any case, I can take it without complaining. I just proved it.

Day 11.

Day 114

Day 114: Real Time
Day 10: 21 Day Complaint Free Journey

As I sat in my morning sanctuary on Labor Day, the silence was huge. It had depth and was a palatable presence around me.

I’ve lived in my house for over 20 years. It sits at the southern end of this immense city, the one that often touts itself as the “largest” city in the US. (Depending on how many millions of trees you count, that might be true. But let’s not quibble.) It wasn’t until the nearby interstate grew a few more lanes in each direction a few years ago that I could hear the hollow sounds of traffic from my bedroom. All those tires whooshing by, the drivers of the cars oblivious to thousands of lives carrying on mere steps away from their rolled up windows.

So now, even on weekends, it is rare for the quiet to return. Maybe it has to do with wind patterns, too. I don’t know much about those things. But two days ago the silence was powerful, a fullness to it that could almost be touched. The cardinal’s single note call pierced the silence and then fell away, an aberration in the perfect stillness. How can the absence of sound be so vast?

Downsizing

Much like the mind. It has no structure that we can illustrate for a textbook about positive thinking, or any other kind of thinking for that matter. The falling away of the birdcalls in the perfect hush might be compared to the thoughts, including the criticisms, that appear in our minds.

If we allow it, they will fall away, too.

Day 10

Day 113

Day 113: Real Time
Day 9: 21 Day Complaint Free Journey


“Listening is a magnetic and strange thing, a creative force. The friends who listen to us are the ones we move toward. When we are listened to, it creates us, makes us unfold and expand.” Unknown


When I train young children to mediate conflicts among their peers, we spend several sessions learning how to listen. What, you say? We need training in listening?

Yes, I’m afraid so. Many times we mimic listening in order to be socially acceptable, but all we’re really doing is waiting for the other person to STOP TALKING so we can talk. Admit it….it’s true.

Being heard is something we all yearn for. The knowledge that we are understood and accepted anyway is a powerful thing, isn’t it?

We need to listen to each other with our eyes, not merely our ears, with our hearts and not just our minds. The next time you are engaged in a conversation, look into the person’s eyes and be totally present for them. That might be all they need from you.

Maybe we’ll find less to criticize, too.

Day 9.

Day 112

Day 112: Real Time
Day 8: 21 Day Complaint Free Journey


I didn’t make it to the beach by dawn, which was my plan (and you know what they say about plans), but it was still early. Off I went, camera in hand, to get some photos to add to my collection.

Florida isn’t known for big surf, so those who enjoy that sort of thing have to take advantage whenever they can. These are the folks who venture out into the ocean when hurricanes brush by, duck diving into sheer walls of water to ride monsters back into shore. (My daughter is one of them.) A storm called Earl had passed near us early in the week, so they were hoping that he was still strong enough on the backside to offer more fun. It didn’t look like fun to me, but neither does “muddin’” and lots of people love that, too.

A number of years ago I drove the Pacific Coast Highway from Oakland to San Diego to attend a business meeting. The trip was magnificent. The Atlantic along Florida where I grew up is a meek cousin to the rawness of the California coastline, the ocean untamed with its rocky beaches and pounding surf. As I drove, it was necessary to keep an eye on my rear view mirror to make sure I wasn’t holding up traffic. After all, not everyone was from Florida, ogling the scenery. And it was when I looked behind me that I saw some of the most breathtaking sights.

I found myself pulling off the road to turn around and travel back the way I had just come….so I could see things from that perspective. Even though I had seen what I was seeing again, I hadn’t seen it quite that way at all.

Like so much in life that we complain about, wouldn’t you say? When someone really irritates me and I’m about to complain about them, I remember that trip. What is life looking like from this person’s shoes? I may never know, because very often we never share our personal horror with each other. Only the small frustrations, the things that we can gripe and grouse about with no real disclosure.

I nearly missed the meeting in San Diego.

Day 8.

Day 111

Day 111: Real Time
Day 7: 21 Day Complaint Free Journey


I love football. There is something primal about its simplicity, a mirror of how life works if we take the time to look past the cheerleaders with their silly pom poms.

Knock me down? I’ll just jump back up and get ready for the next disaster. I might have to sit out a play or two, but don’t count me out of the game. I have too much at stake to be defeated.

And when it all comes together, that pass sailing toward the end zone in a perfect arc, or the running back churning through a solid wall of muscle, feet tearing up the turf, it’s a beautiful thing.

It takes effort, sheer guts, and the absolute will to succeed.

Just like life.

Fall and football….life is good.

Day 7, the beginning of my second week in my quest to make it to 21 consecutive days without complaining.

Day 110

Day 110: Real Time
Day 6: 21 Day Complaint Free Journey


As daylight tiptoed in this morning, I sat and thought about the progression of my journey so far. In his book, “A Complaint Free World,” Will Bowen frames it in terms of 4 stages:

• Unconscious incompetence
• Conscious incompetence
• Conscious competence
• Unconscious competence

He describes each stage and gives anecdotes from his own journey as well as stories from others who have made (or attempted!) their 21 days to living a complaint free life. In other words, they have finally become unconsciously competent.

But my mind isn’t that orderly. And I’m a bit afraid to walk around unconscious on purpose.

I do know that when I started my FIRST Day 1, which was a long 110 days ago, my thinking was chaotic, undisciplined, frightened even, as I considered my goal. That lasted for several weeks, and during that time I found myself avoiding unnecessary communication with other people. If I don’t talk to them, I’m not complaining, am I? (Ah, but I could complain ABOUT them later!) Chaos.

Then I managed to stop complaining ABOUT them, but I still wasn’t back to more normal interaction. Several readers have mentioned this to me in emails about their own paths to becoming complaint free. And avoidance continued to work for me, too, even if it was short term.

Now I have reached a calmer, more interactive stage. I feel more confident in talking to people without complaining AND without complaining about them once I’m out of sight….and they are out of hearing distance from me. So, I guess you can say I’m more secure in not only my progress, but also in myself.

“A person who is insecure, who doubts their value and questions their importance, will brag and complain. They will tell of their accomplishments, hoping to see approval reflecting back to them……They will also complain about their challenges to get sympathy and as a way of excusing their not accomplishing something they desire.” Will Bowen, “A Complaint Free World,” p. 77.

People who make excuses about not having the life they want, blaming everyone else for their lot in life, from their birth order to their weight to how their parents raised them….now THAT’S a topic for another day!


College football starts today! A wonderful Day 6 ahead…..

Day 109

Day 109: Real Time
Day 5: 21 Day Complaint Free Journey


Yesterday started for me before it had any right to be moving around. In fact, I was the only one moving at all. My back yard crew of birds and squirrels wasn’t up yet, and the sun still hadn’t begun to even think about peeking over my fence.

Sometime during the night I woke up and realized I didn’t know where my flash drive was. (Of course, we needn’t talk about why I was thinking about that in the middle of the night. If you’re over 50, I don’t need to say any more, do I? If you’re not, someday you’ll remember I said this.) The drive had my presentation on it for the teachers I was working with, and suddenly it was gone. In the middle of the night. When I should have been resting to prepare for a four hour session that I was doing…. alone.

But, there it was. The worry about an errant piece of equipment. Needless to say, I was up and out of my house while the birds were still snuggled up together in their nests dreaming of the yummy nut and raisin seed I buy them and the squirrels were dreaming important rodent dreams.

And I never did find that flash drive. Which meant I had to download the presentation onto another drive I keep in my desk drawer, the precious one that has family pictures on it. Then get my coffee (priorities, priorities) and off I went, still driving in the morning darkness to arrive in time to be set up and ready for the teachers at 8 AM.

Did you guess yet? We learned and laughed together, as anyone in education has to do in order to stay sane, and made lots of new friends to call on when we’re dejected and worn out. It was a great day.

And they loved the pictures!

Day 5

Day 108

Day 108: Real Time
Day 4: 21 Day Complaint Free Journey

Perspective. Context.

As in, “putting it in……” The context of our complaining is a fascinating study, once we start thinking about it.

Many of my friends have mentioned that they don’t think I’m a very negative, complaining person at all. So, why am I navigating this difficult 21-day complaint free journey, they ask?

Each of those people only experiences a small part of me. I am with me all the time; therefore, my perspective that I spend too much time complaining is the only accurate view.

Imagine if we kept that in mind about all our relationships. Do we ever know what we think we know…..completely?

“The moment one gives close attention to any thing, even a blade of grass it becomes a mysterious, awesome, indescribably magnificent world in itself.” Henry Miller

Visions and cars with a Z.....

Day 107: Real Time
Day 3: 21 Day Complaint Free Journey


Will Bowen says in his book that we need to focus on our vision of the world rather than complain about what is happening around us at the moment.

Visions are great. Not the kind that appear at odd moments, seen only by you. Those are scary. But I find that if I envision something that I need to do, or something that I want, the acquisition of that dream falls into place rather quickly. I guess that’s why vision boards are so effective, a tool that is routinely touted by life coaches. Mine has James Brolin on it, but let’s move on quickly.

At this point in my life, my vision focuses on writing. I would like to write full time, while working at home with my two cats surrounding me. (And one of them literally rests his head on my hands as I type. He’s my muse.) My desk faces my back yard garden so I can watch the goings-on from my chair. There is a fountain right outside my window that refreshes a variety of wildlife…..as much wildlife as one would find in the midst of a huge urban area, but it amuses me just the same.

Vision wise, I would only leave this spot to eat, drink, and be merry. And being merry for me doesn’t involve much these days. Maybe buy jewelry and shoes once a week. No thoughts or worries about the price tags, a jaunt to the mall in the middle of the day (fewer young people with slouchy pants then) serving as my social interaction and supply chain for silver, gold, and comfy flats in all colors.

And I would get there in my Nissan Z car, whatever that model is called these days. I’ve been dreaming about that car for, literally, decades. I came THIS CLOSE to having one once, in the ‘80s, but life intervened. The kind that screams, WHY do you need such a vehicle when you want to go back to school?? (Now that I think about it, I did neither. There’s a lesson there somewhere, but I’ll think about that later.)

So, what is my convoluted point this morning, the one about my complaint-free journey? I can’t tell you about my day yesterday, because I would be complaining.

Not all of it. Some was OK, but we do tend to focus on the negative, don’t we, or we wouldn’t convene here. Will says to work toward our vision or we’ll get stuck in the muck of despair and blame, anything in order to explain why we don’t have what we want in life.

Maybe I’ll write that book outline I’ve been thinking about today.

And then visit a car dealership.

Day 3.

Day 106

Day 106: Real Time
Day 2: 21 Day Complaint Free Journey


As hard as it is to admit, other writers sometimes just say it better than I ever could:

“All faces resemble each other, yet how easily we see in each uniqueness, individuality, an identity. How deeply we value these differences. The ocean is a whole, but is has countless waves, every one different from all the others; it has currents, each unique, ever-changing; the bottom is a landscape all its own, different everywhere; similarly the shoreline. The atmosphere is whole, but its currents have unique signatures, even though they are just wind. Life on earth is a whole, yet it expresses itself in unique time-bound bodies, microscopic or visible, plant or animal, extinct or living. So there can be no one place to be. There can be no one way to be, no one way to practice, no one way to learn, no one way to love, no one way to grow or to heal, no one way to live…….” Jon Kabat-Zinn, Wherever You Go, There You Are.

So, if there is “no one way,” can we legitimately complain about someone else’s chosen path?

To do so denies the reality of life. We must think about that the next time we are about to berate someone for how they express themselves, how they live or love.

Day 2

Day 105

Day 105: Real Time
Day 1: 21 Day Complaint Free Journey


It’s time to change tactics. In the spirit of doing business in the Sunshine, just like government here in Florida, I hereby set this goal:

I will achieve my 21 days by September 30th.

Yes, I do mean 2010. (Regular readers understand that it IS necessary that I make that clear.)

I have returned again, tail between my legs, to Day 1. And my reason for doing so causes me to literally hang my head in shame.

But, transparency is a necessary thing in order to make this daily recounting of my journey a valid exercise. If not, I could just mark the days off my calendar and be done with it, couldn’t I? And my hope in documenting my painful journey is that you will learn from my many missteps and difficulties in achieving a goal that has meaning for not only each of us personally, but also for our families, friends, and coworkers. And ultimately a society that I believe is steeped in negativity.

I attended an event yesterday for a dear friend of my family. Their son was badly injured in a motorcycle accident in May, right around the same time my dad passed away. Their family spent weeks standing vigil by his bedside, wondering if he would live much less walk or talk again. Today he is at home, going to rehab every day, but unable to work until back on his feet….literally. Bills still need to be paid, though, and even with insurance, rehab is expensive.

This family is always the first to organize events to help others. The dad sings and the mom gets others to bring food, a local VFW or other organization donates space for a party, and everyone contributes to whoever needs it at the time. And we all have fun in the process.

And now it was their turn. There wasn’t an empty seat in the building, and people kept filing in. Local singers donated their time, and the money started pouring into the building. We were all honored to do it for them this time. My mother and I attended, my dad truly with us in spirit among all these people who knew and loved him.

And I am ashamed to say that in the midst of this inspiring setting I made a….well, less than complimentary comment about one of the singers. And one of our friends at the table, one who reads this column every day, caught me in the act. Nailed me to the table before the words had barely left my lips.

Have you finished “tsk, tsking” yet? I haven’t. I am truly ashamed of myself, and I apologize to that singer, even though he will never know it happened.

So, this morning in the darkness before dawn I decided to do what Will Bowen did. I am publicly setting the date of Sept. 30 as my “Day 21.”

Maybe that will work. And I know my friends will keep me honest.

Day 1.

Day 104

Day 104: Real Time
Day 13: 21 Day Complaint Free Journey


(Just a quick reminder for those joining me at this point in my journey: I have been trying for 104 days to accomplish 21 consecutive days without complaining, criticizing, or gossiping. My longest streak so far has been 17days.)

Let’s talk about control. My strengths in the work world focus on organization and detail. Give me a project, then stand back. Therefore, I don’t do well with bosses or supervisors who are micromanagers or those who are unable to release THEIR control over everything within their domain. But I can organize the heck out of an event, and carry it through to completion.

My personal life sometimes suffers, though, due to this tendency toward control. Someone in my recent past put it this way: I have to know everything. And I would agree with that to a large degree. (I come by this trait genetically, but that is a totally different day’s topic!) I believe that I do know the most efficient, cost-effective way to do most things, and I don’t see why everyone wouldn’t want to know that. Even if I have to tap them sharply on the shoulder to get their attention and demand that they just LISTEN to me.

See the problem? It’s one I have tackled intentionally in recent years, and I think I’ve done so with some success. Often, I have to talk to myself to stop the cycle of controlling behavior, but I have broken that cycle in many ways.

And I must say, I’m happier and more content because of it. Those around me probably are, too. No surprise there, right? People don’t respond well to being criticized, corrected, and coerced based on how they do things.

Richard Carlson puts it this way in his book, “Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff” : "The need for perfection and the desire for inner tranquility conflict with each other. Whenever we are attached to having something a certain way….we are almost by definition, engaged in a losing battle. Rather than being content and grateful for what we have, we are focused on what’s wrong with something and our need to fix it.”

So, if you see me off in a corner somewhere muttering to myself, I’m probably having a long heart-to-heart my control demon. It's best to leave me be for a while.

Day 14.

Day 103

Day 103: Real Time
Day 12: 21 Day Complaint Free Journey


Remember Pollyanna? She was a character created by Eleanor Porter in 1913, whose outlook was perennially optimistic. The mere name today conjures up an image of someone who is upbeat about whatever is going on around them, the billboard caricature of a naïve cheerleader.

And for many of us right now, life does not offer much to cheer about. The economy has brought millions of families to their knees and out of their homes. Food banks report seeing folks in line who once kept the shelves stocked for “poor” families. Pollyanna seems to have taken a vacation.

Will Bowen pastors a large church and travels the world advocating the concept of the complaint-free world. Cynics among us might way, “Easy for him to say,” as they superimpose a portrait of pretty Polly over Will’s face.

As I’ve chronicled my effort to become complaintless, I have been sensitive to this situation. Pollyanna has never lived in my house, that’s for sure, even though I consider myself a generally positive person. My life has been one of hard work and individual discipline and effort, often in the face of formidable obstacles. Without knowing much about him, I would imagine Will Bowen has faced his own demons. As have you, I’m sure.

How is it possible, then, to aspire to a goal like this one, now in its 103rd day for me? Is Pollyanna taunting me, the result only to make me look foolish and out of touch to the rest of you?

I have come to understand that if we view our lives from a prism of the world outside ourselves, we will never be happy. We will certainly never be enough, especially immersed in a consumer-driven society like ours.

But the peace that is created internally will not easily be overwhelmed by what is happening outside of ourselves. It doesn’t matter how bad things get, I am the one who frames my life and its events. It is when I am tempted to blame everyone else for my problems that my complaining begins. It’s THEIR fault I am [angry, underemployed, unhappy, out of work, standing in this line, listening to uninformed people, etc]. One could spend an entire lifetime just filling in those blanks every day, all day. And many people do.

It is still dark as I write these words, dawn over an hour away. A gentle rain is tapping on the canopy over my head, and a frog is serenading me from a still hidden corner of my garden. I built a small fire in the potbelly stove as the day prepares to unfold. It is enough for me. There is nothing to complain about, whether Pollyanna shows up to sit a while or not.

Day 12.

Day 102

Day 102: Real Time
Day 11: 21 Day Complaint Free Journey


I’m thinking.

Did I complain yesterday? I worked at home in the morning, met a new friend for lunch at one of my favorite restaurants, stopped at my office for about an hour, then accompanied another friend to a gathering at another restaurant for “social hour.” Then we ended up BACK at my favorite restaurant for dinner….and my daughter was our server.

How could I complain about any of that?

“To become a better you, you must be positive towards yourself, develop better relationships, embrace the place where you are.” Joel O’Steen

Day 11.

Day 101

Day 101: Real Time
Day 10: 21 Day Complaint Free Journey



So, here I am, prepared to succeed as I enter my second 100 days attempting to be complaint-free over the span of three weeks. Will Bowen, the creator of this project, picked that number because research into human behavior indicates it takes about that long to cement a new habit into the framework of our lives.

I finally bought a copy of Will's book for myself. I've practically worn out the library's copy, and I knew I needed to keep it closer to me as I walk this path. For those of you who aren't familiar with the process, here it is from the book:

1. Order a bracelet from www.acomplaintfreeworld.org or use any talisman that works for you. It can be something you wear or maybe a stone you carry in your pocket. Something easily manipulated....because you WILL manipulate it!

2. Put your talisman or bracelet on your person somewhere to start the process.

3. When you catch yourself complaining, gossiping, or criticizing, move the piece to the other wrist (or other pocket) and begin again.

4. Stay with it, because the average time to success if 4 - 8 MONTHS.

Yes....MONTHS. At 101 days, I'm still within the "average" range. And I didn't break that chain of success yesterday. I spent some time at one of my offices, visited the other, had lunch with a dear friend to catch up with our respective lives, and then worked out at the gym.


But I didn't complain. I intentionally controlled myself on a couple of occasions, I do remember that. I almost dropped off the cliff of complaints at lunch, because my friend and I hadn't seen each other in way too long. The tendency is to include everything that has happened since the last time we saw someone. But in my case, and probably yours, too, some of what happened is decidely unpleasant and has already caused me to break my chain of noncomplaining days. More than once, actually. Why even go there, then? I purposely did NOT talk about one particular situation from the past few months, thus relieving me of that burden. And I didn't burden her with it, either.

I have found as I've gotten older (I do hate that word!), my energy flags significantly in the afternoons. I've learned to pace myself by retreating to my back patio and I usually end my days just like I begin them....communing with the birds and squirrels who have gotten used to me spying on them as I sip a glass of wine and read philosophy and trashy novels. Go figure.


Day 10 beckons.

Day 100

Day 100: Real Time
Day 9: 21 Day Complaint Free Journey


It feels like a milestone, although I haven’t decided how to frame it yet. 100 days attempting to accomplish 21 consecutive complaint-free days. Is that a good thing……or not?

My longest string of days was 17, but I have started over from 1 MANY times, too.

My tendency in all areas of life is to find meaning, some idea of what exactly I’m doing here. Here being not only on this planet but also within whatever is going on in my world at the moment. I’m still working on the existential “Why am I here?” question with no end in sight, so let’s leave that for my early morning meditations and talk here about this journey to be free of complaining.

Within those 100 days have been thousands of complaints never spoken. That’s got to be a good thing, don’t you think? The people around me never had to hear me spout off on problems they had no part in creating, and they certainly couldn’t fix most of them for me, either.

As I make this journey, I have many friends and coworkers who think it’s healthy to complain, that such “sharing” relieves stress and sometimes even causes good things to happen. I used to say those things, too. But, if honesty prevails, those are rationalizations that mean “I’m angry (or frustrated or otherwise uncomfortable) and I can’t control myself. So, I’m going to let it all out so I can be free of my emotions. I don’t really care how it affects you as the receiver of my gift.”

Harsh? Maybe. But I think it’s true, when we remember that complaining IS allowed when we complain to the person who has the ability to fix our problem and we refrain from making it a personal attack. Under those circumstances, we have the obligation to speak up for not only ourselves, but those who have no voice, like children and animals.

So, here’s to my 100 days! Even though I haven’t had a successful 21 days, I believe I’m happier and I imagine those around me are breathing a little easier when they see me coming.

How are the people in your corner of the world feeling when you walk through the door?

Day 9

Day 99

Day 99: Real Time
Day 8: 21 Day Complaint Free Journey



I was behind.

My four trainings last week kept me from working toward my writing deadline, which was yesterday. I knew I didn’t want to spend the whole weekend working, so I finished the easy part on Sunday…that would be the creative part….which left the more technical pieces that go along with curricula writing.

Multiple choice questions, standards based, along with some synthesizing questions. Oh, dear…..

So, I sat down at my desk at 8 AM and typed and thought and typed some more, until nearly 3 PM. And I made the deadline.

One good thing about such intense concentration is there isn’t much human interaction going on. I even shut my door, something I rarely do, as I enjoy talking to people way too much to close them out. The good part for another of my purposes, though, was that a closed door and a silent phone translated to few opportunities for complaint.


Day 8. Another “Week 2” ahead!

Day 98

Day 98: Real Time
Day 7: 21 Day Complaint Free Journey



I love reading the newspaper. The actual paper is what I mean, not the virtual version so many large newspaper companies are slapping on the computer screen. I saw one that even had little thumbs in the lower corner to “turn” the pages.

It’s a habit my father instilled in me through his example. Now that he is gone, I have to rely on one of my thousands of mental images of him sitting in the easy chair with the newspaper held in front of him as he sipped his coffee.

I have tried to read the news on-line, I really have. It’s cheaper and it keeps your fingers free of black ink. Over the years, I’ve cancelled my home delivery of the paper several times, and then quickly regretted it. There’s just something soothing to me about the whole process. I look forward to it, whether I read it first thing in the morning or wait to savor it later. I just know it’s there.

Maybe that’s it. In a world turned upside down, reading the paper is a constant, something I can settle into no matter how chaotic my world is at any particular time.

Complaining is often a reflection of that chaos in our lives, isn’t it? And we all have it, regardless of how much we try to run from it. But we want everything to be easy and problem-free, two things that simply are not possible by the very definition of “life.”

My Sunday was complaint-free. I enjoyed welcoming the day from my back patio, complete with the Sunday paper, a cup of cinnamon-flavored coffee, and the critters that inhabit my yard. Soothing, stress-free, tranquil.

Day 7.

Day 97

Day 97: Real Time
Day 6: 21 Day Complaint Free Journey



I’ve always been a proponent of the old adage, “Where there’s a will, there’s a way.” Sometimes trite is just plain true.

My daughter and I faced the world alone for most of her growing-up years, and we were forced to be industrious, inventive people. We learned that there’s usually a way to get something accomplished, even tough things that those around us thought would defeat us. It took creativity and resolve, and often being patient when things didn’t work out the way we had in mind.

Becoming complaint-free is no different. I have found that my will to succeed is strong, although my plan to make it from sunup to sundown without kvetching sometimes falls apart. Make that OFTEN falls apart.

But I guess I’m finding the way. I don’t recall complaining yesterday as I worked around the house and yard in the early part of my Saturday. Then, a friend and our mothers met at the theater in the afternoon and saw the latest “chick flick,” which we all enjoyed. Our football team played in the evening, and I watched from my comfy recliner, laptop perched on my, you guessed it...lap….as I worked toward a Monday deadline. It was a good day.

Sunday dawns. I watched it wake up in all its glory, the cardinals and squirrels busy after the overnight rain.

Day 6.

Day 96

Day 96: Real Time
Day 5: 21 Day Complaint Free Journey



Yesterday I worked with a group of professionals who work in centers for students who are put out of their schools for serious misbehavior. Rather than have these kids roaming the streets unsupervised, their parents have the option of having them placed with these teachers and social workers for the duration of their suspension from school.

One might initially think that educators and other professionals who deal with difficult populations are hardened themselves. As a trainer, the first time I had to contemplate standing in front of such a group, I was a bit intimidated. Well, if I’m being honest, I was shaking in my boots!

But over the years, I have learned from experience standing in those boots that these folks are caring, compassionate professionals who are there for only one reason: To help kids who are often tossed aside as unredeemable. I have worked with people who deal with students labeled in all kinds of ways, ways that are often erroneous but convenient.

And the vast majority of these professionals, all of them, are eager to learn how to do their jobs better. They sat there yesterday for the requisite two hours and listened to me talk about teaching teens who read far below grade level, politely at first and then enthusiastically. When I left, they were released for lunch…and told to be back for yet another meeting in the afternoon.

They thanked me on the way out.

And I think they actually meant it.

Day 5.

Day 95

Day 95: Real Time
Day 4: 21 Day Complaint Free Journey


Teachers are pretty cool people. They endure, no matter what. The majority are dedicated to helping kids every day, even under increasingly adverse work conditions.

Do they complain? Of course. Who wouldn’t, in their situation? The stress is huge.

But they still show up.

I worked with a group of about 16 middle and high school teachers yesterday, all of whom teach reading to teenagers. My task was to familiarize them with the book they are required to use and to allow them some time to delve into some strategies that will enable their students to learn to read better. Not just the “average” ones. Even the ones who are performing far below grade level and are often abandoned.

They listened. They participated. I think they appreciated the help. But they really only wanted to be in their empty classrooms getting ready for Monday’s craziness of the first day of school. Their pre-“planning” week is stuffed full of meeting after meeting, training after training, administrative task after bureaucratic paper processing. They have no time for true planning, time they need in order to decide how to present lessons using all the knowledge they have to students they don’t know yet, time to make their rooms engaging and bright for kids.

During my trainings I give teachers an individually wrapped life saver. The message is clear.

So, as all educators show up for the beginning of this school year, bless you for being there. I love working with all of you. Our afternoon together was the highlight of my day, a day without complaint. I hope that I respected your time and provided help rather than hindrance.


A good teacher is like a candle - it consumes itself to light the way for others. ~Author Unknown

Day 94

Day 94: Real Time
Day 3: 21 Day Complaint Free Journey


The usual glitches occurred. A trainer learns very quickly to expect the unexpected. Or get another career.

A nice stranger led me to the correct building in his golf cart. A young ROTC cadet carried my heavy cart up the stairs in a building with no elevator. My "official" sign in sheet didn't arrive until half way through the day, but I had taken my own.I had extra copies, additional tools, and a non complaining attitude.

I was prepared to be taken by surprise so that I wasn’t. And I love my job.

Day 3.

Day 93

Day 93: Real Time
Day 2: 21 Day Complaint Free Journey


I made another road trip yesterday, so stopped at the local library and checked out Will Bowen’s book, A Complaint Free World, on CD.

Again.

I’ve listened to it twice before, and have also read the book. But I always glean more from it. I was reminded that it takes an average of 4 – 6 months for people to achieve 21 days complaint free. So, I guess I’m not out of the ordinary at 93 days. That’s good, because I feel stymied by my efforts much of the time.

I heard Will discuss that we each know whether a particular statement we make was a complaint or not. I have experienced this myself over the past 3 months. Friends will say they didn’t think something I had said was actually complaint. But I know what I meant and how I felt when I spoke the words. I can't lie to me.

I travelled to Central Florida to get ready to train teachers today on the curriculum I help write each year. I arrived safely, with no problems encountered along the way. I had a great dinner with a friend as we caught up on one another's lives. I spoke in the context of what I wanted to happen rather than how things might have not gone quite the way I wanted or expected over the past 24 hours.

I just have to stay focused on that tuning fork for the universe. Only positive thoughts allowed. All will be fine today, too.

Day 2.

Day 92

Day 92: Real Time
Day 1: 21 Day Complaint Free Journey


OK, Will.

You say that, instead of talking about what is wrong with my life, I should focus on what I want my life to look like. The Law of Attraction that will be triggered then will bring me more of what I want instead of more of what is driving me crazy.

I’m taking a deep breath right now, so bear with me just a second.

So, Will, here I go:

• I would like to have a peaceful day, as I prepare to leave town to present training sessions about building teen literacy to teachers tomorrow in Central Florida. I will drive and be safe, as will everyone else on the road around me. My car will get me there and back successfully.
• I envision a completed contract with the one employer that remains unsigned to date. Once that is accomplished, I can finish training elementary aged children to mediate the conflicts of their peers and become peacemakers, instead of troublemakers. I can spread the importance of character development to teachers and parents.
• My family will be healthy and safe today, too.
• My bills will be paid without worry.


I could have simply skipped sharing with all of you that I had a misstep yesterday and told you I was on Day 10. No one that I complained to as the day unfolded thought I SHOULDN’T be complaining, and thus they wouldn’t have ratted me out. I know this for a fact.

However, I may complain when I shouldn’t, but I promise to be honest about it.

And, Will, I just happened to think. Yesterday I sent the vibration out into the universe that I might not make it to 21 days. And, so, here I am back at Day 1.

I hear the universe humming now.

Day 91

Day 91: Real Time
Day 9: 21 Day Complaint Free Journey




Three months. Not really a long time in the context of how long I’ve been an out of control complainer, I guess. And I’m into my second gripe-free week, which I’m pleased with.

For those of you new to this account of my journey, I once made it to Day 17, and then got thrown off course by….well, I don’t remember what derailed me now. That’s instructive all by itself, isn’t it?

Life is like that. Immediate, urgent, catastrophic. And then we can’t remember what was so important even a day or so later.

I know what topics and situations tend to overthrow me, and I am learning to handle those with some forethought and some restraint.

Hopefully, I’ll make it to week 3. But if I don’t, I do know that I’m getting better at this.

Day 9.

Day 90

Day 90: Real Time
Day 8: 21 Day Complaint Free Journey



It’s amazing how our interactions with others are interpreted so differently by the speaker and the receiver. Communication is a skill, just like any other, that must be taught and then practiced if we have any hope of being successful as friends, coworkers, lovers, strangers, and even kin. (Those last two categories are not mutually exclusive, by the way. I have some really strange kin and I bet you do, too.)

I travelled to a nearby town to spend some time with a cousin that I had lost touch with over the years. Like about 50 years, to be precise. He and his girlfriend and I walked up to Scarlett O’Hara’s for wings and beer and catching up. The conversation bounced back and forth, and then I asked him a question about our other cousins. Whether he had been close to any of them over the years.

Suddenly, he stopped the conversation in its tracks and remarked that he really appreciated that I ask questions about his life. He pointed out that many people are only involved in “conversation” with a goal of talking about themselves. Complete with moaning about everything surrounding them.

Without going into a long complaint about these people, give it some thought on your own. Do you know folks like this? How does it make you feel when they hijack the discourse and run off with it, usually without even acknowledging what you last said?

So, what does that have to do with my 21 day journey to become complaint free? I started this journey 90 days ago because I felt that I had become a burden as a friend, a mother, a coworker, a relative. I had begun to hear my whining and complaining and I didn’t like what I was hearing. At all.

We simply must be aware of how we are conversing with one another. Do we commandeer the conversation, shining the spotlight on our lives, especially to complain about how difficult things are? Or are we truly interested in those who sit on the other side of the table? We all have burdens to carry. Maybe instead of only focusing on our own, we can really listen to each other with true intent to lift some of those burdens from each other.

Even if it's only to ask a simple question.



Day 8. I have passed the ONE WEEK mark again!

Day 89

Day 89: Real Time
Day 7: 21 Day Complaint Free Journey


I couldn’t place him, even after about two days of hard thinking.

A former student had approached me in a local business, having recognized me from a distance. His smile was wide and he seemed genuinely pleased to see me. After we talked, it became apparent that I had taught him in middle school at some point, although neither of us could remember exactly how long ago.

He proudly handed me his business card, a tree service operation, complete with his name painted on the side of a truck parked right outside the window nearby. As a good businessman does, he encouraged me to call him if I needed his services and asked that I pass the word along to my friends.

But I still couldn’t place him as a teenager in one of my classes in the past.

And then, about three days later, he clicked into focus. He was the one who knew all my buttons and took great joy in pushing them frequently. He wasn’t a mean-spirited kid. He was just into everything, with no interest in the content I was trying to pass along to him. I do recall that he smiled the whole time he was creating the fun he so enjoyed.

At the time, my hopes for him were not great. I imagine that I even complained a bit about him, and the many others like him.

Yet, here he was, an adult with a business that he was proud of, one that supported him.

Will Bowen says that instead of complaining we should be envisioning how we want our lives to be. And through the Law of Attraction, the universe is more likely to accommodate us in positive ways rather than negative.

What if we all spent today….just today….stating things in the positive rather than the reverse?

Day 7. I’ll try it today. How about you?

Day 88

Day 88: Real Time
Day 6: 21 Day Complaint Free Journey


Acceptance.

Mindfulness.

Staying in the present.

The Law of Attraction.


Each of these concepts flows around me now as I travel this road to becoming complaint free.

A video clip showed up on my computer screen, having found its way through cyberspace to me at exactly the right time. A time when I’m still struggling to understand (and accept) that life will never be struggle-free. (The fact that I just wrote that sentence illustrates how far I have to come, even now!) To strive for a time when all is in place in my life, with no problems or issues is only to ensure never-ending frustration.

The clip is of an interview with Will Smith, the rapper turned TV star turned movie icon. And now I can see why he has achieved such fame in his life so far, but more importantly why he seems to have it all. He has actually worked to make it happen. And apparently he wasn’t born with all of that abundance in his life as some have been.

It’s because he knows what is important and he believes it belongs to him. He sets the plan in motion every day, without fail. (Go to q=+will+smith+and+the+law+of+attraction&FORM=VDRE&qpvt=+will+smith+and+the+law+of+attraction# and listen to Will talk about the Law of Attraction and how it has worked in his life.)

Yesterday I dealt with another problem with my car, a topic that has thrown me into a tailspin before. This time, though, I focused on the moment, dropping it off at the dealership for their diagnosis, staying calm, and then waiting for the call. Imagine my surprise when my phone rang a few hours later to tell me they couldn't find anything wrong with it. And then they didn't charge me the diagnosis fee that I had signed for in the morning when I met with the service advisor.


Day 6. What do I wish to attract today?

Day 87

Day 87: Real Time
Day 6: 21 Day Complaint Free Journey



Exactly WHAT is a complaint?

Sounds easy, right? But this question continues to come up from those who read this blog or those who are personally witnessing my journey to become complaint-free for 21 days.

So, let’s go to the source. Here is a short video clip from Will Bowen, the founder of the Complaint Free challenge, discussing the definition of “complaint.” Take a look and I’ll be waiting here when you get back.

http://www.youtube.com/user/complaintfreeworld#p/u/41/aDM3PZTLjvA

OK. Did that help? When we view this effort in terms of building better communication skills, things make a little more sense, I think. Will has a good point when he says that people often are reticent to speak up to the person or people who can make things better for us.

Day 6, full steam ahead!

Day 86

Day 86: Real Time
Day 5: 21 Day Complaint Free Journey


As my years spin by, ripping pages from the calendar, there is one thing I know every day: I know less and less all the time.

People who seem to have it all figured out and are very eager to tell everyone else how the world works frighten me just a little bit. To these folks, everything is black or white, one way or the other, and the pieces of the puzzle never change. To them, the world never changes, nor do the people in it.

For me, the aging process has led me to understand that nothing is ever as it first seems and people are intriguing, complex beings that often morph right in front of my eyes. To think that I understand any situation completely is arrogant and completely self-centered.

And I think people who place themselves at the center of a universe that they think is stagnant and one-dimensional have a tendency to complain a great deal. Why wouldn’t they? All those ever-changing puzzle pieces must drive them crazy, don’t you think?

One last thing: The people who have it all figured out will think that this column is about all those OTHER folks who just don’t understand.

The more I accept that I know very little, the less I complain. Day 5……

Day 85

Day 85: Real Time
Day 4: 21 Day Complaint Free Journey


Progress is being made! Specifically with my Facebook interactions.

For those who haven’t been introduced to this social networking phenomenon, be forewarned! It can be an addiction just like any other that devours our attention for hours when we should really be engaged in more productive tasks. I understand from the snatches of news reports I manage to hear that many employers have had to block the site so their workers are really…..well, working.

Not that I would know anything about that first hand, of course.

As my frequent readers know, I have had a tendency to react quickly to some of the posts that my FB friends offer, my opinions and my fingers flying before I’ve evaluated what I’ve written in terms of my 21 day journey to become complaint free. Not good. That kind of reaction has caused me to go back to Day 1 several times, once after I had made it to 17 positive days.

But yesterday, I found myself typing and then deleting BEFORE I sent the negative or sarcastic comment on its way through cyberspace to be splashed for all to see. I even stopped typing once or twice, realizing what I was about to do. BEFORE I did it.

And that’s huge for me. I often “joke” that I didn’t learn to speak until I was 35 years old and haven’t shut up since. The result has been that I often rattle on with some pretty strong opinions for longer than I should or even in situations that I shouldn’t at all.

And today I even thought out some positive comments to share with my FB friends instead of spilling negativity all over their screens.

Happy Day 4 for me!

Day 84

Day 84: Real Time
Day 3: 21 Day Complaint Free Journey


It was a lazy, hot Sunday here in NE Florida, much like most such August days in this part of the world.

Steam rises off the pavement at the slightest hint of moisture and everything moves much more slowly. Energy levels suffer, too, during these summer days. It just takes too much work to get moving, much less exert a lot of effort actually working or accomplishing anything. Sitting with a glass of iced tea in the cool stillness of the house beckons even the most industrious.

Thus, my Day 2 passed without complaint, even in the heat. Maybe I was just too hot to be bothered.

Day 3……

Day 83

Day 83: Real Time
Day 2: 21 Day Complaint Free Journey



“….imagine that everyone you know and everyone you meet is perfectly enlightened. That is, everyone except you! The people you meet are all here to teach you something….Your job is to try to determine what the people in your life are trying to teach you. You’ll find if you do this, you’ll be far less annoyed, bothered, and frustrated by the actions and imperfections of other people. All you are really doing is changing your perception from “Why are they doing this?” to “What are they trying to teach me?”

Richard Carlson, “Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff”


What have others tried to teach YOU lately? Have you accepted their lessons or resisted their annoyances? I successfully managed to accept those around me yesterday, as I ran typical Saturday errands, did some gardening and reading, even got a short snooze in the afternoon while it rained outside my window.

Have a wonderful Sunday, enlightened friends!

Day 82

Day 82: Real Time
Day 1: 21 Day Complaint Free Journey




OK, help me out here. I got on Facebook yesterday after a computer-less week at home, and started scrolling down to read what my friends have been up to. Several of them are active in topics of interest to me, such as the state of education, politics, or business in my community. Not mutually exclusive topics, I realize, but these folks usually concentrate on one or the other.

One who focuses on business and politics, though, posted a link to an article about a recent court decision. It was like someone threw a match on my head and I burst into flames. (Many of you who know me personally have probably seen this happen to me.) I immediately typed a comment that said, “Search for George Carlin’s final performance on YouTube. Enough said.”

I hit “Enter” and my words appeared magically on the screen for all my friends to read. And then I realized that I had complained, albeit through a back door into a room populated by everyone who knows about Carlin’s performance and his message.

Then I realized I was going to have to sit down here today and admit that I had to go back to Day 1 AGAIN.

Don’t I?

Would you categorize that as a complaint? Or am I being too hard on myself (which might account for the fact that I’ve been trying for 81 days to accomplish 21 complaint-free in a row.)

All I can do is recall Will Bowen’s words, though: If you think it might have been a complaint, it probably was.

Day 1.

(Unless enough of you weigh in otherwise).

Day 81

Day 81: Real Time
Day 5: 21 Day Complaint Free Journey



Before I left for last night’s mini-reunion of my writers’ group at a local restaurant, I consciously thought about how I might get into trouble with complaining once we all got together again. I planned how I was going to react by slowing down my response times during the conversations that were sure to swirl around the table.

And it worked. I listened more than I talked, and I didn’t interrupt with my own tales about trials I had faced since we had last seen one another. I didn’t get caught in the trap of jumping off from someone else’s complaint smack into a pool of my own muck, splashing everyone with the goop of communal grousing.

The result for me was a calmer evening. It was an enjoyable time with people who share similar interests, without rehashing the many difficulties we have surely all faced in the past year.

Day 5 ahead………..

Day 80

Day 80: Real Time
Day 4: 21 Day Complaint Free Journey


Do you think it’s possible to get too much information?

In this era of 24/7 news, the Internet, hand-held communication devices that seem to do everything but eat for us, is all this data necessary? Is it even good for us?

I don’t have the answers for you, but I do know how it all affects me. I become overwhelmed with the tragedies, the inequities, the just plain horror of so much that goes on in the world. Which only leads to the temptation to discuss it all, and that leads to much of my complaining.

How could all of this NOT lead to complaining??

I used to teach middle school social studies, and at the end of each year I surveyed my students about my abilities as a teacher. One bright young man told me I was “obsessed” with the news, as I made them watch the daily newscast for students that was transmitted into our school. I believed at the time I was instilling a valuable habit into their daily routines.

Now I’m not so sure.

Day 4.

Day 79

Day 79: Real Time
Day 3: 21 Day Complaint Free Journey


My day was free of complaints, a day of affirmation and peace.

I had lunch with a young woman I have known for quite some time, although we had lost touch for a number of years until recently. As a matter of fact, her mother called me a month or so ago and invited me to the graduation party planned for her daughter, apologizing for the late notice. She went on to say that they wanted me to be there, even though we hadn’t seen or spoken to each other for about 5 years.

Their diverse extended family is large, yet very close knit. The food at their house is unbelievable, but, more importantly of course, their sense of unity is remarkable. And she was graciously re-establishing that tie with me, pulling me back into their orbit. I was touched beyond words.

Events like this are often overlooked in our daily busy-ness. We get so involved rotating on our own axis that we spin out of touch with the people who offer us comfort and security in a world that is increasingly neither.

I am thankful for that unexpected phone call, and hope to keep this young woman and her family closer in the future.

Day 3.

Day 78

Day 78:Real Time
Day 2: 21 Day Complaint Free Journey


On the surface, it might seem that gaining acceptance in one’s life would mean accepting the fact that we complain. After all, it’s part of who we are (at least some of us), isn’t it? Shouldn’t we, therefore, accept that piece of our personal puzzle, too?

Hmmmm. Interesting thought experiment.

And after I experimented with that thought one morning in the early morning shadows, I found the deeper variable to the equation. If we are truly accepting of life, we accept the people and events that revolve around us as THEY present themselves. And if we are operating in the present moment, each frame of life is new, with no past and no future to taint our view.

Thus, we should have no need to complain. We cannot control, nor should we expect to control, how others live their lives. (This is why Will Bowen says that we should not take the liberty of calling someone else out when THEY complain. We all have enough to worry about with our own griping and grousing. )

Easy? Think again. It’s been one of the most difficult transitions to even get started within the scope of my daily walk through life. It has been even more difficult than not complaining.

I don’t anticipate ever being truly successful at listening to someone I’ve known a long time and hearing only the words they are speaking RIGHT NOW. No history, no future. Just right this minute. But if you give it a try, I believe you will find it an amazing experience.

Day 2, right this minute.